u are the one hauling

Ron Pilgrim, Cosmo Edition #2

2012-02-02T17:04:00.004-06:00

Hello all you sex-curious Internet friends, it's me, RON PILGRIM! Hello, it's me, Ron Pilgrim. Cosmopolitan magazine has asked me to periodically write a sex advice column for them. And since I'm the PREMIER sex advisor on Earth, you THE READER are in for a real treat! Check out my first Q&A here.

This time, Cosmo gave me the 7 moods of a woman, asked me to describe the moods, then advise on what NOT to do in any given scenario. What a f-u-n column! Can you believe with your mind's brain how cool and hot my job is?! Something-something a waterfall of cum is the metaphor for how eXcItEd I am!

Her mood: Excited
Hey, sometimes your gal is excited. And whether it's because she found a coin in her vagina or because you forcefully jammed a trashbag-full of cocaine up her rectum, don't ask questions! Excited is good! Take full advantage of this. You need to keep her heart rate up! One suggestion: Turn off all the lights and threaten her with power tools. When she has NO IDEA where that drill sound is coming from, her breasts will fill to the brim with hot coffee and her vagina will shrink to the size of a boiled raisin (a good thing).

Avoid: The old 9-dissolved-Vicodin-in-her-bag-of-wine routine that I'm so fond of is to be avoided here. Sorry gang, there are only so many things you can do to a sleeping body. (There are hundreds of things you can do.)

Her mood: Silly
She's silly! Have a goof-time afternoon laugh with the broad! Keep her laughing. Laughter is the best aphrodisiac, other than, of course, direct vaginal and/or anal penetration with your diamond-cutter penis or a hot-to-the-touch sword (or ballpoint pen). Once you have her giggling, take things up a notch. Why not try this: ask to leave the room, and return 5 minutes later in a wheelchair. Pretend you're an aggravated old man. Throw mayo at her. Be wearing a few dead squirrels. I tell you this: she'll be in stitches! If I had a nickel for every time this routine worked, I'd be prolapsed-anus deep in coin!

Avoid: Sitting her down and calmly explaining that her mother has died. Stumps me, but most gals don't appreciate that gag!

Her mood: Relaxed
Look, everyone knows that women can't relax on their own. Their minds are always going 5000mph thinking about grass or designer eyelashes or croutons or Venus Williams; they never slow down. Luckily for you, "relaxed" is a state of being that you can control. Of course, I'm a tenured professor at Wine, More Wine University, and I wholly subscribe to wine as THE supreme relaxation agent. Make her chug bag wine until her body is swollen (and leaking, wink) with sweet, sweet fermented grape juice. Draw her a red wine bath. Instead of bath salts, use sleeping pills/Percodan. Once she's relaxed, the sky is the limit. Suggestion? Why not try this old standard: Once she's fully "relaxed" and in bed, slowly take her bed apart, take it to the top of a tall tall bridge, reassemble it, and place her down on it. When she wakes up, she'll get quite the spook! (Oh, and be fucking her, too.)

Avoid: Referring to her vagina as "Herpes Palace." That'll wake her RIGHT up.

Well, gang, that's all she wrote! All 7 moods of a woman. Once you can navigate the many faces of your gal, you'll be neck deep in Play-Doh, struggling for air, BEGGING for more wine, getting a face-full of hot buttered rum squirters delight. IT'S SEX! Cheers.

Ron Pilgrim, Cosmo Edition #1

2011-11-02T17:35:00.004-05:00

Sexxx Advice w/ Ron Pilgrim

by Ron Pilgrim, special for Cosmopolitan

Hi guys and gals, it's me, Ron Pilgrim! You may have seen me doling out sexual intercourse advice on my Internet program, "It's Advice, Sex Advice with Ron Pilgrim". Thanks for tuning in! This month, Cosmo has asked me to answer some of your burning sex questions for a column I'm calling "SexXx Advice and Boiling Hott Sex and Advice Tips for YOUR Sexy Cool Bedroom Bathroom Sex Adventures Plus Advice". Quite a crop of questions y'all came up with! So, without any further ado... Let's get to the questions! I don't want to delay this any further, the QUESTIONS are THAT GOOD! So, 3,2,1... These question rockets are about to land squarely on Answer Planet circlin' 'round Sex Galaxy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>Dear Ron, How do I shave my pubic hair? Is it safe? --Edith Measlesman

Let me answer your question with an answer, Ms. Measlesman. The best and most effective way to get real bald downstairs (and yes, 100% bald is the only acceptable level of hair downstairs) involves a three step process. Firstly, in order to get through those first several hundred layers of filthy, tough hair, you've got to set that whole region on fire, producing a healthy, ACTIVE flame that'll burn on its own for a good hour. How you choose to initiate the fire is up to you! (Ladies, this process is fun!) You'll want to singe off enough hair that your stomach and thighs have hot, sexy burns all over them. Next, grab a pair of scissors and sort of just haphazardly get to snippin'. This is the easy part. You can do this step while driving, even. Finally, to get at those pesky short hairs, you want to get your zone BONE DRY, preferably with the use of your hair dryer on the hottest setting. Cruise that baby around your zone for an hour or three or four or five or six or ten, then scrape an old index card up and down your vagina like you're painting the floor. You know how you paint a floor don't you? People do that, right? OPTIONAL TIP: Spread a few dozen layers of clear nail polish all over your vagina for that cool and hot and fresh sexy sheen the boys go bAnAnAs over. Next time you or someone you might know forcibly removes your underwear you and that person will be marvelin' at yr pussy.

Well, that's it, gang. I suppose I'll be answering one question a month for the next infinity months! Hope this was helpful! Until next time, it's me, Ron Pilgrim, saying my very succinct catch phrase: "Sex is a beautiful!" Bye bye!

Fav Albums of 2010

2010-12-23T15:17:00.003-06:00

15. Pantha du Prince, Black Noise

14. Abe Vigoda, Crush

13. Caribou, Swim

12. No Age, Everything in Between

11. Walkmen, Lisbon

10. Four Tet, There is Love in You

09. The Thermals, Personal Life

08. Flying Lotus, Cosmogramma

07. Surfer Blood, Astro Coast

06. Beach House, Teen Dream

05. Male Bonding, Nothing Hurts

04. Liars, Sisterworld

03. Deerhunter, Halcyon Digest

02. These New Puritans, Hidden

01. Women, Public Strain

A lot of people I know want to disparage 2010 as a shitty year for new music. For me, some heavy hitters released some mediocre-at-best albums (Los Campesinos!, Les Savy Fav, of Montreal, et. al) and that, in part, initially made me think 2010 was disappointing. (Not to mention that Kanye West's album really underwhelmed me.) I don't feel that way at all about '10 anymore. There is so much incredible stuff going on in popular music right now; hip-hop had a great year (even though no hip-hop albums made my top 15). Big Boi, Curren$y's double threat, the rise of Odd Future, B.o.B (a bit of a failed experiment but high marks for trying something that outrageous), Das Racist... rap is becoming a strange, amorphous beast, heady as fuck. Women flipped indie-rock on its ear; Deerhunter solidified themselves as one of the best bands anywhere; electronic-based music killed it this year, with amazing albums from Caribou, Pantha du Prince, Actress, Four Tet, Emeralds, etc.; These New Puritans released Hidden, a giant "fuck you" to every British band, and doing it barely using their guitars.

I dunno, go ride around your hometown and listen to "Helicopter" by Deerhunter. Then try telling me 2010 sucked.

Mry Chrstms, GANG.

Four Loko!!!

2010-11-05T13:57:00.012-05:00

What The Heck Is Going ON Here?!
Someone tell me when the heck this stuff is gonna end

Uhaul News Service Op-Ed

by Trig Nigmin

News comes in this week that the "state" of "Michigan" has banned Four Loko (a delicious, SAFE, and probably non-toxic alcoholic ~~rape elixir~~ beverage) outright. The reasons? Multiple hospitalizations (but I smell a rat there; my guess is that many of these kids have cerebral palsy to begin with) and sexual assault. BO-RING. Look, kids these days practically live in the hospital. The brand new fads of skateboarding, rollerskating, and jeans are always landing people in the hospital. Kids will be kids, gang! Four Loko, I'm sure, has nothing to do with landing in the ER. ~~Pussies!~~

And hey, I'm not necessarily saying that sexual assault is something to be taken lightly. I mean, who's to say? Who really knows the answer to that? No one. No one knows if sexual assault should be taken lightly. And since no one knows, I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I know the answer, either! So let's just all agree that the answer to whether sexual assault should be taken lightly or not is still up in the air.

Full disclosure: I am the manufacturer of FreakDemon, a drink similar to Four Loko, with some slight ingredient variations. (More on that later.) I am Four Loko's competition! So why on Earth's blue water would I want to shill for them, the enemy? Because, team, I'm spooked by this news coming out of Michigan. Michigan now joins a list of states that have banned or are considering a ban on Four Loko that includes Pennsylvania, Utah (motherfucking DUH), Washington, Rhode Island, New Jersey, and Illinois. For now, FreakDemon (and it's sister drink, Fuck Spasm Cocaine Party) is safe because I literally sell it illegally out of my barn. However, if Four Loko falls, then Joose can fall, then LacrosseBros69: The Drink can fall and then... I shudder to think of the domino effect! (Especially because one 24oz can of FreakDemon contains about 4 grams of a cocaine/crystal meth combination along with some insanely illegal ingredients like bleach and baby Koala blood. But, come on, there's not THAT much bleach in the thing. I'm not a MONSTER. Hmm. Monster Cum would be a good name for a drink. It could feature a surrealist portrait of a crazed monster jerking off his ten penises and his ejaculate would be actually the drink that's contained inside the can. Cool. Cool marketing tangent.)

It's bad for the economy to ban our drinks just because a few lousy kids are getting themselves raped. This is our livelihood! Hey, I'm not raping these poor saps!

In conclusion, who cares? Who cares. Kids are jerks. Let 'em drink whatever they want! I mean, hey, they wouldn't make cocaine illegal just because it's a highly addictive, dopamine depleting hell powder that produces severe bowel gangrene, would they? NO. And they haven't yet and never will. Thank you for your time. Please come to my barn for some FreakDemon.

Trig Nigmin is the proprietor of FreakDemon Juice LLC and its sister company Meth: The Snack!

Yai Bo

2010-11-04T12:27:00.004-05:00

Wyclef Jean, Undeterred, Still Wants Things
And personally, I agree with him

By Uhaul News Service, Nov. 4, 2010

NEW YORK-- In August, rock and roll legend Wycelf Jean submitted the necessary paperwork to run for President of Haiti, a nation that desperately needed his legendary and qualified services after being ravaged by an earthquake earlier this year.

"I'm running for that President job, yo," Jean said to his maids one afternoon while flushing some of his millions down the toilet.

Haiti, however, in a stunning move that many pundits called "correct" and "merciful" denied his paperwork, and the master behind 2009's Greatest Record of All Time, "From the Hut, To the Projects, To the Mansion," was left off the ballot.

Jean, while incredibly disappointed he will not be running Haiti ("I don't care, fuck those niggas anyway."), is moving forward with a new venture.

"Yo, I want ALL the peanuts in the WORLD, man!" he recently screamed while swimming in his swimming pool filled with caviar.

Jean has begun a far-reaching plan to collect all the peanuts in the world. This month, after asking his phone to "give [him] the number for India," the world's second largest exporter of peanuts, he managed to get Kharif Peanut Production on the phone.

"Yai bo! Y'all make the peanuts, ba? Gimme dem PEANUTS, boss!"

And while Jean did not receive all of India's peanuts, he remains undeterred.

"I'm gon' have them! ALL OF THEM THE PEANUTS! #whycantihavethem," he tweeted recently.

So far, no country seems to be willing to part with their peanuts, despite Jean's hilarious sense of entitlement.

It Is Almost Halloween You Gang

2010-10-20T11:05:00.013-05:00

Hey team, it's almost October's Halloween of the Calendar, and you guessed it right if you guessed it that I'm excited for this exciting event that you guessed I was excited for! And I thought what better way to get everyone in the Halloween spirit than to write the most complete and comprehensive Halloween preview on the Internet! Hopefully this is, in fact, the Internet.

This spook-tacular preview might include:
>Costume ideas
>Halloween origin story
>Fun Halloweens that I have had personally when it was Halloween prior to this upcoming Halloween
>Cool and fun costume ideas
>Cool and fun treats to give and to take
>And many much more things about it Halloween

Costume Ideas

It's the age old dilemma: What'll it be the costume for me I will wear on Halloween? Everyone literally says that out loud at some point every October: "What'll it be the costume for me I will wear on Halloween?" Careful, gang. Your costume choice can make or break your Halloween experience. Wear the wrong costume and you might get Roger Richard's Cold Tilapia Dinner w/ Tilapia'n'Cod™ house after house while trick or treating. Hey, I like RR's CTDw/T'n'C™ as much as the next guy, but 46 in one night? Who would expect me to eat that many? Well, my dad, that's who. He expected it. "You'll eat them," he said. And I did. And I was in the hospital for many many years after that because 46 cold fish dinners are not good for your body it turns out. (Side note: that year I was Roger Richard for Halloween.)

Some exciting costume choices for a maximum good time experience:
Cole Slaw Man
Lawnmower
Bifocals the Window Washer
Shallots
Asian Husband
John Elway (my friend John Elway from high school, not the quarterback)
Chevy logo
Rickets

Those are just a few of the really fun and pretty cool and hot costume ideas you can choose for this year's Halloween I can't wait. You'll be giving and receiving anonymous blowjobs all night, thanks be to God!

Halloween Origin Story

For a delightful and spooky (and 100% factual, THANKS) origin story, please feel free to read the one I wrote LAST HALLOWEEN (time flies when you're getting spooked and frightened all the time! [but seriously, whoever is ringing my doorbell and leaving buckets of horse blood on my stoop, please stop, because I am legitimately spooked out right now and have been for quite some time, thank you])

Cool and Fun Treats To Give and Take

Nothing is more fun than giving and receiving treats ~~this Thanksgiving~~ on Halloween. I mean, you name it: peanuts, rosary beads, toffee'd caramel, apple'd toffee, caramel'd caramel, nickels, diet milk, corn nibblets covered in gold, scotch tape, corn'd apples, apple corn, corn butter, corn'd peanuts, gallon liquid, peanut'd nickels, soup mix, photographs of corn, photographs of team sports, corn'd root beer squeeze tops, nickel'd corn apples, apple'd corn candy peanut deluxe, tea bag filled with corn, tea bag filled with pennies, tea bag filled with secrets, tea bag filled with sorrow, tea bag'd corn caramel apple coffee cake dream-sicle parade.

Any of those would be fine. You know, all the Halloween standards.

That's going to do it, gang. Thanks be to Gosh it's almost the time when Halloween happens during the year on the calendar! So: I'm gonna be foolin' with werewolves and foolin' with mummies all night. I know I am!

Take A Nap Wendy's, Please

2010-10-05T18:53:00.010-05:00

I'm all for mispronouncing words (duh), but COME ON Dave Thomas. Get those burger meats out of your cheeks and face and become an adult man.

I tried to cut this video off after five seconds, but I couldn't, and it's pretty funny anyway. I think someone woke him up from his nap and threw him in front of a camera.

And then it's just a David Cronenberg film from there. TALKING FLESH and all that. Oh my golly, bros.

Kettle Cooked Crinkle Cut Potato Chips

2010-09-21T12:50:00.002-05:00

And I Haven't Been The Same Since, Internet

2010-09-02T12:17:00.004-05:00

Most of you probably don't know that I took a vow of silence for 7 days in July. You'll never belerve the times! Me and this guy were having all the silent, knowing glances jokes that week. ANYWAY. One thing I did do was write things down so I could at least communicate with palz. Here's a Notepad document of some of the things I wrote down.

***

netflicks?

chiggin

it's really great but like ACTUALLY great. so...

the effect on me

thought u wanted som

rilly cool

cant w8

where

acid

are you really going to sleep luke?

dianna's

haha "vow" the file

when i woke up she was out here

i probably wont make it all week

but ill see how far i can make it

i can make noises, like little gigglezs

and ive been whistling at people to get their attn

i gotta communicate somehow

i'm getting delirious somehow with all this not talking. its almost dizzying. thats part of it yeh

i read for a while outside

my mom called, i ignored it, got a voicemail that said "i need to talk to you"

OH WELL LUL. she does. she didnt respond

i guess she's a new friend of elizabeth's

who is moving to chicago???

BewbSLEEP.biz for me

the sheets are always doing some impossible S-shaped thing

WOW. he beat us to it

we're safe

the last 4 minutes have been

the hardest YET

thnx

green tea 4 me?

made it to day 4

jedda jeez gyoobz

dyad! hyelp! i'm in a cyoob

are the sequels any good?

YIKES

dont make those faces pls

she cute but she's probably a bitch

whats the deal with that? cailah's in like

every scene photo

ugh

i'm down lul jk

oh my god i'm totally not cool enough

weird that EJ was so struck by her

fudj you she likes me a lot

what about "foolin with werewolves foolin with zombies"

(junt derb book)

posthumous, 1997 straight to dvd

let's watch "pigz: Swine Pig, Big Pig: Piggin' It: The Movie"

i like this list

i'm down with that top 10 i think

what then

darn rain i'm finished

its dubbed

dont wanna walk in rain. floor gonna suck tho

are you going to the bbq

when is it

i wouldn't mind changing my shirt, etc

yeah. shayna's is pretty close to here too

***

There you have it. What a gag. The silent bird gets the worm and all that.

"You Don't Know Where To Find Any Drugs Do You?"

2010-07-09T17:49:00.002-05:00

We've all been playing a lot of Mega Man lately, so here's a list me, Steve, and Lucas came up with. Is this in our wheelhouse or what. I'm asking?

Failed Mega Man Villains:

Doorknob Man
Damp Towel Man
Tin Foil Man
Goose Beak Man
Foolhardy Gentleman Man
Jr. Prom Man
Husky Dungarees Man
Salt-Free Seasoning Man
Jam Band Man
Thanksgiving Man
Confetti Delight Man
Young Man
Comfortable Man
Dinner Man
Virginia Slims Man
Hucklebuck Man
Chinchilla Man
Grape Soda Man
Diet Grape Soda Man
Gentle Sip Man
Administrative Assistant Man
Dandelion Man
Block Party Man
Whispy Moustache Man
Hummus Man
Freddie Prinze, Jr. Man
Delicate Caress Man
Manila Envelope Man
Meatball Man
Brian Man
Overalls Man
Baby Teeth Man
Therapist Man
Miniature Schnauzer Man
Tax Attorney Man
Gerald Ford Man
Babysitter Man
Cucumber Salad Man
Potato Gun Man
Gas Station Attendant Man
Embarrassed Man
Old Navy Floor Manager Man
EHarmony.com Man
Junior High School Jazz Band Flautist Man
White Zinfandel Man
Bible Scholar Man
Complains About The Weather Man
Genital Warts Man
Combo Meal Man
Soul Man
Closet Homosexual Man
Unusual Penis Man
Peter Frampton Man
Napoleon Dynamite Quotes Man
Outdated Ethnic Slur Man
Incest Man

***

Much more to come, this computer is about to run out of batt'ries.

OK, Sorry To Ya

2010-06-19T16:38:00.002-05:00

"I'll let YOU know when it's time to relax."

Fresh Beenz

2010-06-19T16:18:00.005-05:00

Relax, Chairman.

2010-06-19T16:05:00.002-05:00

Go sit in the corner and HAVE A RELAX.

Coffee Table Book Failures!

2010-06-10T03:35:00.005-05:00

Some failed Tumblr book deals for you guys now, thankz.

Horse Cock: A Visual History

Cats Dressed In Clothing A Woman Might Wear: You'll Never Believe The Laffs

Outfits Ringo Starr Wore In The 80s

Times I Drank Salsa Con Queso Out Of The Jar When I Was Drunk: Photographs

Grandma And Nazi Paraphernalia: It's Christmas Again!

Changing Diapers: Right, Guys?

Thugged Out Moms!: The Novel

I Dare You To Put This Tampon In Your Ass's Hole, Bro: The Initiation Ceremony

Raccoons.

Raccoons!

Stuff My Dad is Thinking About Buying

Stuffed Animals With Sunglasses On

Stuffed Animals With Props: I Doubt You'll Be Able To Physically Handle The Jolt Of Comedy You'll Get When You Open This Book And Look At The Photographs That Comprise The Content Of The Book You're Looking At

Harrison Ford: A Glance

Talkin' 'Bout Pussy: PUSSY: We Like It

Neckties On Giraffes

Food I Dropped: HAHA, Oopz

***

OK, but I would really like any of these coffee table books to sit on my (imaginary) coffee table.

John's Beluhi

2010-06-01T15:47:00.001-05:00

Been watching clips all day.

Also: LOL: "Will Success Spoil Mick Jagger?"

Spinach

2010-05-15T15:40:00.004-05:00

Presenting: An Actual Scene That Just Occurred In Subway

[White male, approx. 26-27 yrs old in line at the choose your own vegetables section. Man appears to be the living incarnation of flag football. A real bro. Call him Tib Nipson]

Tib Nipson: OK, lettuce, some lettuce. ...No, take some off. ...Put a little back on? OK, OK, spinach, definitely. Spinach.

Subway employee: Spinach is extra.

Tib Nipson: What? Spinach? Wait... spinach. Spinach? When? Since when? Spinach? Spinach? Since when is spinach extra? Since when is it extra? It's never... spinach? When did they make spinach extra?

Subway employee: [Blank stare]

Tib Nipson: Huh? Whoa. Spinach. Spinach? Since when? When did they make spinach extra?

Subway employee #2: Oh for about 3 months now.

Tib Nipson: Huh. Huh? Spinach? Since when... it's never been... is this the only store that does that, that charges extra for spinach? Yeah. Must be. No one else does that. No one else... spinach is always free. Always been free spinach here. Wow. [Shakes head, chuckles to himself a little] I just... ha, wow. Spinach. [Gets a shitload of other veggies on his sub]

Me: [To myself] You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Subway employee: Anything else, sir?

Tib Nipson: Yeah. Salt pepper, Parmesan cheese, and vinegar. Tons of vinegar.

Subway employee: [Starts pouring vinegar on sub]

Tib Nipson: Yeah, keep it comin'. More, yep, more. Put more of the vinegar on it. OK. Ha, looks good, don' it?

***

Oh boy. "Put more of the vinegar on it" is the new EVERYTHING. Cheers to y'all.

NAILED IT.

2010-05-11T13:17:00.002-05:00

So proud of Luke for this 1. School project he made; he and I did the voices. Mouths don't move yet, BUT THEY WILL. G'head. Short playz come to life, SO RAD. Can't w8 4 more.

Synkerp doo Myoh

2010-05-05T18:26:00.005-05:00

You guys know I like a good novelty T, and especially it is true this when it's is going to be Cinco de Mayo like it is today. I'll never feel the feeling of being tired when I see the old classic,

1 of the Tequilas
2 of the Tequilas
3 of the Tequilas
Sitting down onto the floor!

Wut a T!

Well, I made one a shirt and here it is for you on this holiday. Enjoy this holiday.

Al Pacino's Late Career Fuck Ups Are The Freshest Topic For Jokes, I'm So Good At This

2010-04-26T16:31:00.006-05:00

Al Pacino starred in an HBO original film this past weekend called You Don't Know Jack: The Life and Deaths of Jack Kevorkian. Of course, Kevorkian is responsible for assisting possibly over 130 terminally ill patients in dying. Physician assisted suicide. But Pacino as Kevorkian? The only thing Al Pacino has helped to kill is his own ca-- nevermind. Wink. Oops. WHO'S THE GRAND MARSHAL OF THIS LAUGH PARADE.

You Can Run, But You Can't Hide Or Whatever

2010-04-25T19:39:00.003-05:00

My brother and I have talked about this before, but AMC is showing The Hunted right now and yikes, Tommy Lee Jones IS ALWAYS TRACKING PEOPLE/ALIENS DOWN IN MOVIES WHAT A TRACKER!

The Fugitive
Men in Black
US Marshals
Men in Black 2
The Hunted
The Missing
The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada
No Country for Old Men
In the Valley of Elah

And oops, Men in Black III is in pre-production.

He can find anyone and anything this guy! THERE ARE NO CLEAN GETAWAYS and all that.

Why Is This Causing An Uproar?

2010-04-13T18:52:00.004-05:00

Yeah so the KFC Double Down thing came out and everyone on planet America is freaking out about it. Really though? Look, I guess I get all the commotion. The thing looks slightly more disgusting than a regular KFC (or other name-your-fast-food-joint) meal, but people are acting like the Double Down is some atrocity, some horrifying food nadir that IS COMPLETELY UNBELIEVABLE WE ALL REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT. I mean, guys, we're seriously this surprised? It's fast food in America. We've all been listening to standup comedians and South Park and other comedy shows/acts, whatever, skewer this shit for YEARS. But all of sudden everyone is shocked because... what, the thing has no bread? Is that why? In many sports stadiums you can now get a cheeseburger wedged between a cut-in-half glazed doughnut. Fudge, you can get a cheeseburger at Wendy's that has four fucking beef patties on it. And there's bread there, too. And you can add bacon. That somehow seems worse to me than what essentially boils down to two fried chicken patties with bacon and cheese. Well, they're all three awful, but this new KFC sandwich isn't, like, revolutionary awful or whatever. It's just not. Let's all just never eat one. Or, sure, eat one, then never do it again. Much like you would any other slightly-out-of-the-ordinary fast food creation! Holy shit, though! No bread! You took the nation by storm. Ya nailed it, KFC. Cheers to ya.

What a Cute Romance!

2010-04-12T17:31:00.003-05:00

Ex-middle school teacher pleads guilty to having sex with teens

Stephanie Regusa pleaded guilty on Monday to having sex with former students, both teenagers. Evidence in the case included DNA matches, gifts and love letters written by Regusa to the young boys. Uhaul has obtained one of those letters. What an exclusive can you belurve it.

***

Dearest, sexiest Michael,

I am sitting in my classroom, grading spelling quizzes (snore! ;-P) (you got a 91, nice job! ;-)) and I can't stop thinking about ya. I can remember the first time we really connected, at the Winter/Spring Dance Parade Ball (remember the Muppet Babies theme??). You had all the gel in your hair and all the braces on your teeth. And what a pair of jeans you wore. And I thought it was sooo funny that your t-shirt said "Come to the Dark Side, We Have Cookies" on it. (Right away I was pretty much like, "I would hit that.") You came over to the refreshments table after slow dancing to "Water Runs Dry" by Boyz II Men (I was so jealous you danced with fucking Janine "I'm a Little Cocktease" Grouper) and you asked for a Diet Sprite (so sexy) and I said "OK" and you gave me a thumbs-up and... what a moment! When you left I turned to our principal, Mr. Chandler, and said, "Wow, Michael looks good tonight, huh?" and I think he definitely agreed by the way he got up and left the table immediately. ANYWAY! Last Thursday evening was so nice. I asked you to come over after school but you said you had a kickball game, oh my god what a sexy athlete you are! I stayed for the game and gave you a ride to my apartment over H&R Block and the Senator Goof Chicken Fast Food and we sat on my couch and I tried to kiss ya and you were like, "Is there an XBox here?" OMG SO CUTE AND FUNNY!!! :) I FUCKING LOVE YOU. Then we fudged. Remember? I'LL BET YOU DO. YOU WON'T FORGET. :) ;) :( Talk to you soon, baby.

LOVE 4 EVER, Stephanie

(DO NOT FUCKING TELL ANYONE.)
(I mean, I'm 31.) X-)

Sort of a News Article? I Did It!

2010-04-06T14:59:00.008-05:00

Tyler Perry Does It Again: He Keeps Doing It Again All The Time Still

Tyler Perry (you'll never believe it, NOT) has done it again. The filmmaker's latest MASTERPIECE, "Black Characters Painted In Broad Strokes", grossed $29 million dollars last weekend, landing at no. 2 at the box's office.

The film is another success in a long line of successes for Perry, who keeps on successing the FUCK out of Hollywood. The 40-year old author, actor, and filmmaker ~~really enjoys bath time with his pet horse, Grouch Phillips~~ has gone from promoting his own plays to achieve "brand" status.

"Oprah and Tyler Perry are the same person, literally," says Broom Brooms, adjunct professor at Florida's Tate University's Fun School For Fun And Everything. "I'm not kidding about that. I'm... not even kidding to you about that. I would NEVER do that to you," he added.

By now, with over two TV shows on Teen Xploshun Network (TXN) and anywhere from 1 to 12 films (I didn't check yet) in the can, Perry has established a vast audience who just laugh and laugh when he (a man!) dresses up like a woman and talks like a woman might talk when talking out loud.

"Tyler Perry's new film practically paid for itself," explains Yikes Peterfudge. "Even if it drops off the charts in a couple of weeks, it goes to DVD, then in a few months to VHS, then LaserDisc, then Sega Saturn, you know, all the... the, all those guys. Uh..."

Perry pairs his creative side with a real knack for business! And his repertoire is diverse. He served as executive producer on "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Large Black Woman Has All The Fun' by Tooth Adamz" and has written several books including "A Man In Woman's Clothing Gets You The Money, Most Definitely: A How To", "Don't Let A Black Woman Tell You She's Gonna Go Get Ready Cause They Never Get Ready On Time!: A Glance", and "You've Never Seen Jeans Until You've Seen My Jeans, I'm Richer Than Ya: An In-Depth Look At My Jeans Collection: A Novel".

According to Forbes, Perry made 75 million of the dollars last year alone. And experts say there is massive overseas potential for the Perry brand. Europe has been begging for broad black stereotypes for years, and now they can finally have a relax, because their collective dreamwish is about to come true probably.

And Perry -- like his audience -- is not one to care about negative reviews. "Madea's Oops Parade" had 4% positive reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. "Marriage: Am I Right?" received a 2%. Another Perry film, "Earnest Goes to Jail", garnered similarly poor reviews. But Tyler Perry, undeterred, keeps churning out the product, and Americans keeps eating it up! He can't miss this guy!

Tyler Perry will continue to be nominated for Music Television's Movie Awards and BET Awards until he isn't anymore. And his career will flourish until it stops. I, for one, wish him continued success and this last paragraph is really lazy, I'm sorry you guys, cheers to ya.

Love,
Dave

Short Play Reprise

2010-03-29T21:58:00.002-05:00

Family Time: A Journey

[Son comes home from his first date; Dad is there to meet him at the door]

Dad: Welcome home, son! How was your date?

Son: A total bummer. Everything was really awkward... I don't think she likes me very much anymore.

Dad: Oh... well I'm sorry, son. I'm truly sorry. [Turns to go to bed]

Son: Dad?

Dad: Yes son?

Son: Do you think I'll ever find real love?

Dad: [thoughtfully] I hope so. I hope so.

Son: [smiling] OK. Well, fuck you Dad.

Dad: Fuck you son.

Son: Goodnight Dad.

Dad: Fuck you son.

Son: Fuck you Dad.

Dad: Goodnight son.

Son: Goodnight Dad.

Exeunt. Curtain.

Spring Break: Whipple

2010-03-28T17:52:00.003-05:00

This photo + fresh pots + a 10-pound sledgehammer and a pool table = last Thursday afternoon for me, Lucas, and Brian. It was just a regular. A regular relax.

Get Us a Two Camera Sitcom Already, FUDGE.

2010-03-04T16:47:00.002-06:00

Aaaallllllright, y'all. More from Lucas and I coming soon, including:

phone call to NASA/Anfernee video
Lucas talk show video
"Uncle Juice": the hawt jamm

Multimedia Chicago winters: the thing you're forced to do. Big ups to Chris, too.

Lucas Is Amazing In This Internet Commercial

2010-02-24T19:04:00.002-06:00

CSI!

2010-02-11T17:04:00.004-06:00

Does anyone still watch CSI? Well, it's on TV all day long. It is very silly. At the beginning of the show, before the title sequences, William Petersen, the star for the first like eight years of the show (I think? I've only seen a few episodes), does this thing where he makes some pithy, sorta jokey comment about the dead body the CSIs just discovered. Then he always looks at someone on the team, like, "See what I did there?!" For instance, upon finding a dead girl in a fountain, he goes, "Still waters run deep." Whoa! William! You nailed it.

Here are my favorite one-liners from William Petersen, culled from the thousands of episodes I've watched of CSI since 1974.

Upon finding a girl dead in a butcher's shop:
"I'll have a half pound of dead girl in this butcher's shop, please. Thanks, that'll be all."

Upon finding a man dead in a Foot Locker store:
"If the shoe fits, this guy is dead. He died in here."

Upon finding a girl dead in a hospital waiting room:
"It appears as if Obama's health care plan needed a few tweaks because of how she's dead."

Upon finding a dead little boy washed up on shore:
"I really wish this job afforded me more time to go swimming in the ocean. I really miss that, you know?"

Upon finding a girl dead, raped:
"Rape... I-- well, hm. Nothing is really coming to mind... how about... no, that doesn't work. Oh! Rape: It'll kill ya!"

: )

2010-02-02T16:26:00.003-06:00

I'm pretty sure I know what the Facebook doppelganger thing is all about.

This is one of my dads:

He looks exactly like one of my dads. That's how this works, right?

Milk's Chud

2010-01-30T17:04:00.004-06:00

Me and Lucas' super secret recipe for Milk Chud:

1 tsp milk
2 tsp milk
8 cups milk
3 quarts chud
soft paste
anchovy milk

(That's the easy part, doy.)

Blend all together in a blend. Pour over milked cubes. Enjoy it.

Look, I don't know what this means either. Milk Chud, you guys.

Vidjo Games, Part 2

2010-01-15T15:09:00.003-06:00

Another Thing I Don't Understand: The Brand New Trend Of Playing 'World Of Warcraft', Part 2

By Mortimer St. James

Upoon discovering 'World Of Warpcraf' and vydjo gaymes were indeed real things, I set out to find them and hopefully destroy them, cheers. Of course, I hadn't a clue where to look for vydjo gaymes (not even my horse, Old Ted 5%, would tell me, even though I very politely asked him for directions, bollocks!), so decided to enter various establishments about town and kindly asked the proprietors for a copy of this 'Wild Warmcloth.' I firstly inquired at the local delicaterssen.

"Chaloo, meat butcher!" I said with a twirl of my eye's lid and a series of bows and cape tosses I spent years learning at Fergus Barnaby's Schyool For Polite Manners and University. "Give me a cut of your finest beef slice, your leg of horse shank, shank of beef body, horse 'n' parts pinwheel, and snout of parts special, cheers!"

"Sir, this is a library," the man at the deli counter said.

"Very well. And churm to you, sir," I whispered, whereupon I threw down a tiny glass balloon onto the floor, the contents of which engulfed me in smoke, and I rode my horse right out of there!

Next I went to the shoe cobbler. Surely he would sell me this 'Woolworth's Holiday Party' gayme I was after.

"Shoe Cobbler! Have at you! 'Tis tyme for a sword duel! But I'm kidding about that. A copy of the vydjo gayme, please 'n' thank you!"

"Sir... this is Dunkin Donuts. I think I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Spiffing good joke, cobbler! A tip of the top hat to you. Good day and cheers." I spun on my boots to leave.

"Hold on, did you say you wanted a video game? You should go to Best Buy down the street."

"Best Buy! What a relax this is! I shall. I'shl go there now."

After asking no less than 31 different people where Best Buy is, I fernally found its doors. Upon walking inside through magic sliding doors, I was greeted by a young lad that looked a choop like m'nephew, Yish. He was most certainly a particer of dark arts.

"Mage! Hand over to me with your hands 'Warcrafts of the Worlds!'"

End Part 2. Part 3 soon.

Vidjo Games, Part 1

2009-12-15T10:04:00.006-06:00

Another Thing I Don't Understand: The Brand New Trend Of Playing 'World Of Warcraft', Part 1

By Mortmer St. James

A friend of myne, Lady Gooseheart, told me recently upon reading my article on tean trends, that something called "video games" and "CPU games" were amongst the hottest hot trends, cheers.

"Look into it, Mortimer," she said. "You willn't belerve what's happening with the teanz!"

"Gooseheart, you sound like a crazy witch demon right now," I said, tipping my brand new 9-foot tall top hat, and rode my hot air balloon right out of the restaurant we were sitting in, vowing never to speak with her again.

But it was yikes and whoops for me! I telegramed my nephew, a young tean, asking about what I was sure to be the great vydeo gayme myth of 2009. Here is a transcription of my telegram, with his response, which was returned in a speedy 15 days, oh the joys of modern mail!

Post Office Telegram

From: Mortimer St. James
To: Nephew Yish

Text:
Chaloo, m'nephew! Cheers and greetings! Is the brown vegetable crop coming in as expected? Did you get the monocle I sent you? Recently in time I have played score the basketball, interviewed teanz like yourself, and written about the Americans landing on the Earth Moon. Is your horse still strong? Now, down to business. Lady Gooseheart told me something about "vydeo gaymes" and "CPUs". I thought she was drunk on Basil'n'Thyme Whisky Squeezers, but no! She insisted that these fantasies were true! Tell me the truth, cheers. Cheers, your Uncle!

---

Post Office Telegram

From: Yish T. Toby Todd
To: Mortimer St. Jizz

Text:
yo, I ddidn't know what u sent me, i was like what even is this. My mum had to tell me it was some real old mail thing but i said mum what about email and she said u don't know what that is, idiot. dont you even have a phone. got the monocle thing, thought it was for pogs and now its broke. i dont know half the wordds u used though, but yes, video games are real. where do u live not to know this. i like world of warcraft, shit is bomb. check that out, see u at christmas? i dont even know. Yish.

---

This telegram shocked and spooked me to the body core! 'World of Warcraft'? Oh no! What is it! Ohhhhhh nooooooooo!

End Part 1. Part 2 Wednesday.

Teanz

2009-12-08T15:17:00.005-06:00

Teens Are Running the World!
by Mortimer St. James

Teens seem to be running the world (if you don't count Africa, pfff) lately. Whether they're making newspaper headlines for sexting (having sex whilst texting, wink!) or propelling Twilight: Blue Moon to the biggest Friday opening in American film history, teens (or teanz, as they prefer to be called) are the new trendsetters.

Some of the dominant trends in pop culture in recent years have been coming from teanz, from the Henry Potter book series to Twilight: Ancient Moon to buying all the jeans and boy briefs to literally shooting energy drinks (Goof Jooce, Infinity Sky Rocket, etc.) into their jugular veins. Whert exactly is going on here?

I recently attended a screening of Twilight's Food Moon with several teanz who tried to fill me in on the vast influence of young people.

MStJ: Cheers, we just watched Tightlip's Moon Race. It's all about vampires and werdwolves. Why are teanz so interested in these creatures?

Boots (age 14): What creatures motherfucker?

MStJ: The vampires and werdwolves in Twimshank's Time Parade. And for that matter, the magic and wizardry in the Heinrich Podder series... what draws you to that?

Milk Chud (age 12): Seriously, what is this bitch talking about? Twimshank's what? Dude, it's called New Moon, got it? And yo, what we really like is that girl's boobs. Big tittays! [High fives with Boots and Hammer Cock]

Hammer Cock (age 7): Woo! It don't get no better than tittays!

MStJ: Yes. Of course. But what of sexting? Surely it-- [Gets punched in the face by Milk Chud and Boots] Garp! You handled my face with your arm fists! I merely--

Hammer Cock: Tits! [Hammer Cock, Boots, and Milk Chud smoke a cocaine blunt]

Boots: [To Mortimer] Gimme your wallet, bitch.

MStJ: I willn't do it! Taste this, my friends! [Points umbrella at teanz, opens umbrella, summons horse]

[Teanz beat the shit out of Mortimer and steal his horse, who is dressed in a tuxedo and wears a black top hat]

Milk Chud: Later, Gramps! [Teanz skateboard away with horse]

***

After coming to and finding my broken monocle on the ground and locating my horse, Old Ted 5%, some 3 kilometres south, I looked back over my interview with the young gurntlemen. I found a local pub, ordered a double apricot brandy tallboy, and thought about tits. I don't know what tits is.

Ha, I thought. The latest trends. Super Mario Brothers. Twin Lights: Full Throttle. Tits. Diet Sprite. Jeans. I guess I'll just never understand the kids.

You're a Fan. You Are.

2009-12-03T16:01:00.001-06:00

Yup.

Phoenix - 1901 - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

Between Boston and NY on the Chinatown Bus...

2009-11-19T15:00:00.006-06:00

Hardee's Wins Prestigious 3-Stars from Michelin Guide
Associated Press

When it comes to culinary excellence, many chefs and customers look no further than the Michelin Guide, a comprehensive report on the world's best restaurants. First published in France at the start of the last century, the Michelin Guide today has editions in 23 countries and is one of the best-selling restaurant guides in the world. The guide is based on a 3-star system, with restaurants receiving one, two, or three (or none, whoops) stars according to their excellence. Only 81 restaurants in the world have received 3 stars can you believe it. Until now. The latest release of the New York City guide sees old favorites such as Jean Georges in the Trump International Hotel maintaining their 3 stars. But one curious new edition has sparked discussion throughout the world: Hardee's.

The Associated Press caught up with the Michelin reviewer who awarded Hardee's with 3 stars and he had so much to say what a chatterbox this guy was.

"Hardee's was not originally supposed to be on my list of places to eat," explains Roop O'Uncle. "But I was hungry and I smoked about a camel's hump of weed with an oops amount of meth thrown in and the next thing I know I'm screaming at my editor over the phone to give Hardee's 3 stars or I'll kill his wife. ... I might have told him I was going to kill my wife. I forget. Someone was going to die though. Someone..."

Hardee's, which dots suburbs and freeways all over the country, is generally known for being near the bottom of the totem pole for fast food restaurants.

"That's what you think you incredible bitch," asserts O'Uncle. "First I tried their Wilde Olde West Rope 'n' Cheese Come On! Burger with Railroad Friez. It tasted like fucking in a pool feels. After that the meth was still zipping along pretty good so I wrangled up a Chicken Parade, a Fuck You Burger, and The Shovler. Two The Shovlers. I washed it all down with a Barbecue Sauce Milk Rocket and ran out the door without paying I did it."

Critics, chefs, and customers alike are confused at best with the Hardee's score. Many restaurants struggle for years even to be considered for a single star -- many restaurants light years better than Hardee's.

"You people obviously have no idoop what you're talking about," hisses O'Uncle. "Have you tried their beef? There are these delightful chewy balls you bite into every once in a while that just want to make me shoot off a load--"

At this point in the interview O'Uncle falls asleep for 25 minutes, then wakes up suddenly, seemingly finishing another conversation altogether.

"--Gold Star Saloon Salads! Horse Medallion Chum Wafer Deluxe! Trick Leg Pirate Bucket Splash! Have you-- I mean, what-- Wagon Wheel Bacon Bicken!"

Collapsing, O'Uncle mumbles some more menu items (I think I heard "Earth Meat Pepperoni Yule Log") while clutching the Michelin Guide to his chest. "Klurf!" he yells finally, before passing out.

The Michelin Guide is on sale now.

Workplace Tips

2009-10-19T13:30:00.004-05:00

Work is Bollocks, But Don't Be a Fool When You Are at Work Even Though It's Bollocks
By Mortimer St. James

Work is bollocks, we all know that, cheers. And yet we all must do it. We all must pay for the bills. We all must purchase monocles and umbrellas and hot-air balloons and top hats and horse saddles and nautical caps and frock coats and canes and whoops look at me prattling on and on! We all must purchase bicycles with one huge wheel and smoking puff pipes and more umbrellas and pointy boots and yikes I'm sorry about this!

When you're at the workplace, you must act like a gentleman. Your boss might say, "St. James! Stop opening that fucking umbrella in the middle of the meeting!" And then as an aside to everyone else, "Who is this asshole? Is that a monocle?" If he says something like this, simply chuckle, bow, do a turn, and say "Sorry good boss, but it is time for a spot of tea and a spot of brie cheese on crackers and a spot of tizzle horps, tap tap, chimchimchimchim go!!!" and float away in your hot-air balloon, through the meeting room ceiling.

Here is the point-- while it is quite simple enough for a man like me to act like a gurntlemurn at work, it is very difficult for others. Here are some personalities to avoid on the job:

1. The Suck Up
Whoops, no one likes a suck up. Your boss might say, "St. James! Stop standing on two horses at once and riding them through the office tipping your top hat to everyone like this is some fucking horse riding contest!" The suck up is always saying, "Yes." Go suck some bollocks I always say, cheers.

2. The Naysayer
Sometimes morale at the workplace is down. You can't be gangbusters all of the time, who doesn't know that, pfff, the naysayer is who! Here is a typical conversation with the naysayer:

Mortimer: Gerj! How is your day today during this morning!
Gerj: Huh? Are you saying "Gerj"? What's a Gerj? My name is Frank. Also, who are you? Do you work here?
Mortimer: [Gallops away on his horse.]

3. The Drama Queen
To help you with this one, I'm going to weave a tale out of my mouth and tell it to you. Wurnce upon one time, there was a boy. Every day the boy's dad would come home from work and beat the boy with a foot shoe or a frozen loaf of meat or a shot from a rifle. One day, the boy's dad came home and said, "Boy! Get up on that hill and tend to my sheep!" The boy said okay I'll do that. On the hill, the boy cried wolf and a wolf ate him because the dad was passed out drunk and had already managed to get stuck all the way inside the toilet bowl anyway so... didn't matter.

4. The Star of the Show
Yes, Gerj, everyone knows you're the shining star in the sky. You don't need to rub it in the teeth of everyone's face. You're always saying, "Boss, there's a guy in the office on a horse, and he's spinning umbrellas around and bowing and the horse is kicking people in the head and knocking over desks, and it seems a little dangerous." Well, it is yikes and whoops for you, Gerj.

I just killed your wife.

History Lesson

2009-10-13T11:50:00.005-05:00

The Story of Halloween
by Mortimer St. James

Chaloo! Octumber is the month for Halloween and here is the official story of how it came to be, cheers!

Wurnce upon one tyme in England, Gharry Halloween said "I want to-day be my day! Gharry Halloween Day!" And it was. But I'm kidding about that.

Here's the real tale! During the War of the Revolutionary War, against Yankee America, the British had a famous general named Gharry Halloween. Oh and he was a showboat of a man can you believe it!

Mr. Halloween refused to brandish a shooting rifle; he carried several umbrellas and would use them like swords, color me impressed! Many times, Gharry would be standing alone in a field, where he was approached by a militia of American soldiers yikes. Something like this would inevitably occur:

American soldier: Whoops! Look here at this guy here! Are not you lost? Why have you do you have an umbrella cane? It is not even raining out of the sky!

Gharry Halloween: You're right! Cheers to you. But it is I, Gharry Halloween! En guarde touche! [Points an umbrella at the soldiers like a cavalry sword.]

American soldiers: [Shoot Gharry in the teeth of his face with their rifles.]

Gharry Halloween: You shot me in the teeth of my face! In the front of my teeth! But it is yikes and whoops for you now! [Spins around a lot, swinging his umbrella around wildly while shouting, while the Americans stand around confused.]

Mostly, the Americans would walk away confused or laughing, and it was another victory for Gharry Halloween. Eventually Gharry was killed, but not by gunshot or bayonet. Rather, one evening, after three too many double apricot brandy tallboys, he stood on the roof of a barn holding four open umbrellas in the air.

"What a large portion of fun this is! Now I will jump off this barn and fly to the Moon of Earth! The Moon."

And so he jumped.

And flew all the way to the Moon. What an event. The story of Halloween, my chums.

Important World Events

2009-07-21T09:02:00.005-05:00

This year marks the fortieth anniversary of the Moon landing. In a recent speech, President of the American United States of America Barack Obama praised the three astronauts who made the journey for expanding the human conception of what is possible. At Draper Laboratory in Cambridge, MA, Apollo Shuttle engineers talked about the myriad challenges they had to overcome to put human footsteps on the Moon. For everyone involved, it was a feat that resonated with the entire world, an event near the top of the list of human achievements.

But how did it happen? Here is an account of the Moon landing, from initial take-off to the crew's safe landing back on Earth, written on July 29, 1969, by British journalist Mortimer St. James.

The Yanks Did It: The Americans Land on the Moon: Can You Believe It: They Did It: The News Article

By Mortimer St. James

I was there when it happened. And what I mean by that, of course, is that I was literally on Earth when the Apollo 11 Space Shuttle took off from Earth, left Earth, and drove the space highway to ~~Saturn.~~ the Moon.

I knew someday that this would happen. Everyone kept saying, "Mortimer, the USA, which means United States of America, and the USSR, which means United States of Super-Romania, are having a race to the Moon!" But how? How could they get there? The Moon is very far away. The science website, sciencefun.science.fun, estimates the Moon's distance from Earth at "top-secret classified" so I guess we'll never know. But still, it's far. I'll guess 500 meters. And even though I'm not exactly sure how the Americans got to the Moon (the telly was broken), I think I have an idea. So here's what happened:

Basically the astronauts climbed into a giant hot-air balloon (the balloon looked like the American flag, nice touch, cheers) and were allowed to pack one brown-bag lunch each. Then, at the take-off ceremony, President John Bike Yikes F. K. said a few words. Something Presidential. Like, "1, 2, 2.5, just kidding, 3, go! We did it! Blast off!" Then the balloon rose high into the air as one of the astronauts readied a grappling hook to shoot at the Moon so they could attach themselves to the Moon and drag the Moon towards them it's called fucking GEOMETRY.

When they got there one of the astronauts, Chum Rogers 'n' Davids, sat in a reclining lawn chair and said the now-famous quote, "This is the life! What a relax this is!" Another astronaut started swimming in the Gulf of Moonico (the ocean on the Moon, idiot), and the last guy put a nuclear bomb in the Moon's core just in case the Super-Romanians ever decided to shoot a man out of a cannon and land on the Moon (the other way to do it).

When it was over, they climbed back in the balloon and floated back to Earth where they were awarded with new top hats and trophies and a lifetime supply of Ted's Moon Cheese Bites: The Cheese Cracker: The Snack. Now they're heroes. Everyone involved is a hero!

And that's how the world changed. You did it, America! You did it, USA. Thank you. Love, England.

What a Jerk!

2009-07-08T15:28:00.005-05:00

The city of Boston just added 5 names to its list of the Most Wanted Sex Offenders. One of the names on the list is Carlos I. Beltran! Carlos Beltran plays for the New York Mets, you guys! Get him! Go get him!

WHY DIDN'T YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS, MASSACHUSETTS.

"Come and get me. I have all these muscles." --Carlos Beltran

Neva Follow Da Rulez

2009-06-20T11:38:00.003-05:00

I found a book in my house called "The Little Hiptionary". "Hiptionary" instead of "Dictionary". Get it? You get it. The book has an introduction. This is a real thing:

Straight up, this ain't yo momma's English.

But of course not. Language morphs at a redonculous rate. In the time it takes to order a tall, decaf, skinny, whipless, mocha frappuccino with a shot of hazelnut, phat has become crisp! Bad is so good it's sick! Cool is not only kewl, it's bangin', tight, and sweet!

How does one keep up? How does one know a blog from a bleg or a vlog from a splog? Aren't muffintops, cake, and cookies things we eat? Who are the girls and why do they need support?

Chillax. Hiptionary's got you covered.

***

And it goes on from there. The book was published in 2007, so thank God that Starbucks joke is still up-to-date and fresh. Hiptionary is written like a dictionary, with entries and parts of speech and definitions and even an example sentence. There is a table of contents that breaks up the slang into categories like "popular slang", "urban slang", "business slang", and "classic slang", etc, etc, what an amazing book.

FOR EXAMPLE:

au.di/au.di 5000 (pronounced "ow-dee") v: to leave or depart, used in similar fashion to "I'm outta here." This party's lame. We're audi.

And you're murdered. You're murdered for saying that.

Here are some others:

cunt face n: a jerk, a person who is acting like a jerk to you. Fuck you Mom. You're being a fucking faggot.

Hmm, that sample sentence didn't even use the entry word. Weird.

holl.er.in' n: yelling at someone in an authoratative way. Stop hollerin' at me, Prinicipal Cunt Face. I don't care what you say! (Rides off on skateboard giving the middle finger and prentending to masturbate in the direction of the Principal.)

shoot.ing her.o.in v: to smoke a marajuana cigarette. Pass me that needle man. I feel like shooting heroin.

Those were lazy. The end.

(This book actually says, A bangin' pocket reference for kewl peeps everywhere on the back. Yikes. Bikes. Bike McTeeth.)

Go For It the Gold

2009-06-09T12:13:00.003-05:00

I have an idea for a collaboration, you guys. If anyone wants to work on a (possibly continuing) mini-project with me, let me know. The only two qualifications are that a.) you have a pretty good sense of humor and b.) you can draw (at least semi-) well. I include part b.) in there because I cannot draw well and would do this myself if I could.

Soooo, inquire within, I guess? Sure. Inquire within.

I'm Like the Jason Leno of the InTeRnEt Over Here

2009-06-08T09:42:00.003-05:00

More CNN.com "most emailed" articles...

1. New Orleans mayor quarantined in... a children's day care facility wait get him out of there!
2. Japan's 'herbivore men' less... big penises than normal.
3. Newborn dies, mother found dead... in jaws of newborn what a fight it must have been.
4. Commentary: Is it OK to steal hotel... s?
5. 18 killed in clash between Mexican... with a slingshot and some pigeons it happens a lot.
6. Hillary Clinton: I said no at first... and then I said no again. And then I said yes.
7. I don't love your dog, and you... I don't love you, either.
8. 17 bodies from plane found... one was alive whoops nope all dead.
9. At work, you shouldn't wear... those popular 'I H8 This Fuggin' Job, Dood' shirts.
10. Sampras: Roger Federer is 'best ever'... at having a bunch of 'er''s in his name what an idiot.

OK! Thank you guys so much!

(C.A.K. I miss you!)

The Best Medicine

2009-06-03T09:32:00.006-05:00

Havin' a Laff
by Dave Trickery

Uhaul News Service

WAKEFIELD, MA-- Some mornings you can hear them from the street. Laughter. Twice a week, in the basement of the Universalist Church, the Wakefield Laugh Club meets to laugh their troubles away because standing in a room with strangers and laughing really loudly in other people's faces is healthy and fun.

But why all the laughter? What the fuck is going on here is what every person ever would ask. WHAT IS SO FUNNY.

"Absolutely nothing," explains Bike McTeeth, a local grocery store manager. "We come here no matter how we're feeling and laugh for no reason."

Yes, the WLC comes together (anyone can join) to laugh, giggle, jib, chiggle, churm, and yip the problems of modern adult life away. Um, The Economy? Sure.

With all of the issues this country is facing, it would seem that laughter has become a lost art. It is the job of these "laughter clubs" to provide an outlet for people struggling with day-to-day life. ~~Yes, people actually think that forcing themselves to laugh is going to solve their debt problem or their unemployment issue, like magic, like something magic that happens.~~

"Well, the first time I came here, the group leader told me that laughing might solve some of my problems," asserts F. Frank Yoop. "So when the session was over I ran to an ATM and checked my account balance. Still zero. Still zero dollars. Still..."

But what exactly happens at these laugh club meetings? First, there is a roll call. One by one, everyone says their name out loud, and everyone else is supposed to laugh.

"Steve."

"Yug-yug-yug-yug-yug-ha!"

"Randall."

"Ha-ba-ba-ba-haaaaa-ga-ga-ga-yiiiiippp!"

"Bonald."

Silence.

And so forth. Other laugh-tivities include members pretending to ride a horse around the room and pretending to ride a giraffe around the room. One time, someone pretended to ride a bear around the room.

A member was once asked to leave after yelling "jizz boners '03" in an attempt to make everyone laugh. There are no dirty jokes in the WLC.

"We can just let loose, feel good, feel the good vibes and jams, without the pressure of dirty language," says Linda "I'm a Boring Asshole" Asshole. In fact, Linda Asshole was the person to implement a "no foul language" policy within the club. Instead, if you think you might swear, she says, laugh.

She says, "Rather than saying the fudge word or the shush word or the bum word, just force yourself to have a giggle! A gig-gig! Gig."

But ultimately, the reason for the laughter isn't important, say the members.

"You don't need funnymen like Jason Leno or John Seinfeld or Ronald Reagan to have a good laugh," claims Doug Jeans. "You just need a positive outlook."

That, and a gun with one bullet, just in case.

Accidents Happen Where the Rain Don't Go

2009-05-22T09:05:00.005-05:00

I leave my house every weekday morning about 6:50 to get to work by 7:15. At that hour, there is usually very little traffic on Rt. 128S. Today was no different, until about 10 minutes into the drive when I was slowed by a wall of traffic. This happens from time to time, usually when an accident occurs and drivers slow down to take a peek at the damage. This morning was noticeably different, though. In the case of rubbernecking, the traffic is at least moving, albeit slowly. Today, everyone was parked out there on the highway. There was no movement at all for long stretches of time. Every 15 or 20 minutes we'd inch a car-length forward, that was all. You got the sense that something was seriously wrong up the road.

It took me an hour and fifteen minutes to go approximately 3 miles, to a point where the highway opens up a bit, and you can see a ways in front of you. Up ahead was a hill that rose lazily to a crest where seemingly dozens of cops were standing outside their idling cars, lights flashing. At the base of the hill, traffic was funneled into one lane (from four) and the cars marched forward single-file, like a funeral procession.

To the left, police cars, both marked and unmarked, created a blockade that pointed up the length of the hill. At the top of the hill, the road dipped slightly creating a small basin. In the center of the middle two lines sat a white SUV, all smashed up. The front of the vehicle had been pushed inward and up, gnarled metal curling and stretching in all directions. Shattered glass glittered everywhere in both large and small pieces, and various pieces of debris-- metal, plastic, rubber-- was strewn about, as if fragments from some exploded homemade bomb.

And a bit further down the road, alone, the body, prone, uncovered. Blood, fresh and wet, brick red on the pavement, was a violent splatter, not a slow seep. Some cops were walking toward the twisted dead body with a white tarp. I actually gasped-- not the reaction I expected out of myself. Later, on the radio, I heard that there was another person involved in the accident, and that he/she had been lifted out of the scene in a helicopter and taken to the hospital. I don't know if the person is alive.

Scary. Scary morning.

Breakz

2009-05-12T10:36:00.002-05:00

Hey guys. I might be taking an extended hiatus from this blog to work on a book (or something like a book). I don't really have time for both (unless I get fired from my job, which is looking more and more possible every week). I am sorry to disappoint. Every once in a while I'm sure I'll post something, or have a bout of inspired silliness, but for now, I'm slowing things down. But go ahead, read my output from the last couple months. I went on a good run there for a while.

See you soon.

The More That I Do: 10 out of 10

2009-05-01T17:46:00.003-05:00

Put this shit on at your next party. From The Field's forthcoming Yesterday & Today LP. Fucking whoa. I cannot wait for this album.

The Field: "The More That I Do"

RIP JD

2009-05-01T07:55:00.014-05:00

Obituaries

Junt Derb, Ghost Hunter, Dies at 91

Junt Derb, whose paranormal investigations took him to spooky places all over the world, most notably the Boston home that inspired I'm Spooked Out Right Now You Guys: The Movie, died this Tuesday in his cave/house in Montpelier, Vt. He was 91.

The death was confirmed by his son, T. Todd Derb.

Junt Derb-- who is credited with writing nearly 100 books on ghosts, spooks, aliens, wizards, dragon-cheetahs, scaries, whoops, yikes, and churms-- conducted his most famous investigation with the medium Barry H. Tinyhead in 1975. Together they roamed the house in Boston, in which just two years earlier, a young man, Ned F. Shit, murdered his parents and also grandparents and also cousins, it must have been a party.

The house had become infamous after the next owners claimed to be haunted by noises and the sight of a ghostly Ned F. Shit doing things like wearing an over-sized hat and then saying, "Just kidding, I wouldn't really wear this hat. It's too big! It's a joke hat." All of this was chronicled in the 1974 best-selling book Freakin' Ya Out: That House In Boston Where All Those Folks Were Killed, You Probably Heard About It, by Dervid Peacefun.

After Barry H. Tinyhead channeled the spirit of a Shinnecock Indian chief (pfff), who said that the house stood on an ancient Indian burial ground (what a cliche!), Mr. Derb took photographs of the bullet holes from the 1973 murders, which he, when he developed them, saw nothing of interest at all, get a new hobby.

Mr. Derb went on to write a non-fiction book about the house, Whoa!: What Was That (1979), which formed the basis for the 1982 film Bumping Into My Friend At Night And Thinking He's A Demon But Then Laughing But Also Is He A Demon?; he also wrote two novels, Ghost Wizards From The Dream Planet Venus and 1001 Road Trip Puzzles, which had nothing to do with his ghost hunting career.

Junt Derb was born in Vienna and developed a keen interest in the supernatural when his uncle Wheat used to tell him stories about "fyzerhooms" (fairies) and "fuckshmoots" (ghosts). Uncle Wheat also used to climb into Junt's bed with a demon mask on and try to enter Junt's nightmares through his ear.

Mr. Derb left Austria for New York as a teenager and after being the lone undergraduate studying in ghost hunting at Columbia, he developed a brief infatuation with theater. He wrote the short-lived plays "Gopher Hunt!" and "Uncle Wheat's Demon Mask" that opened in Provincetown, MA, but proceeded no further.

With the failure of his plays and a divorce to his imaginary college sweetheart, Junt Derb, perhaps disillusioned by life, began looking into investigations of the paranormal. He went to various haunted locations throughout New England and New York, doing "field research" with a Polaroid camera, a sketchbook, and a Snickers bar for good luck. These early investigations provided the material for an early book, Ghost Seein' With Junt Derb (1963).

Throughout his career, Mr. Derb felt completely at ease with ghosts. "In all my years of looking under beds, in closets, quickly pulling back the shower curtain, etc., I have never been afraid," he once told no one. "Oh! Except for this one time, at a house in Salem, Massachusetts," he added. "Yeah, I accidentally went into the witch museum and there were all these witches, vivid, not at all ethereal, and I'm saying, 'Whoa, what is this now!' But, alas, it was make-pretend. It was all make-pretend. It..."

His continuing quests yielded books like I'm Not Goin' In There Just Kidding (1965), Foolin' With Vampires, Foolin' With Mummies (1967), The Ghost Mummy of New Hampshire (1970), Werewolves Attack Neptune: A Short Play (1971), and I Need Better Equipment (1981).

A brief but ill-conceived foray into porno in the 1990s gave way to several self-directed films such as Ghosts But With Visible Cocks, Uncle Wheat's Demon Mask, and Haunted House: What Am I Doing.

Indeed, Junt Derb saw the other side in sharp detail. On his death bed he grabbed his son, T. Todd, by the shirt collar and screamed, "I can't wait to die so I can be with my friends!" This was hilarious to T. Todd. T. Todd told his dad he thought it was hilarious. Then Junt died.

"Thank God," said T. Todd. He lit a joint. "What a fucking weird dad."

Best Picture 2009

2009-04-30T10:11:00.001-05:00

Get Me Some Swine Flu

2009-04-29T07:31:00.022-05:00

"Regular" flu: Too boring
by David Trickery
Uhaul News Service

People like a good virus. Swine flu, of which there are now 91 confirmed cases in the U.S., is one of the sexiest viruses to come along in years. If swine flu was a woman, she'd be barely covering her nipples with a bed sheet on the cover of Jizz Throat magazine. ... on the cover of Boatload of Cocks magazine. ... on the cover of Forgot to Pull Out (Wink!) magazine. Perfect.

Swine flu has dominated the headlines lately, and in the U.S., seems like a much more real threat than previous sexpot viruses West Nile and bird flu. Indeed, swine flu has captured the "Flu of the Moment"-feeling unlike any other sickness in recent memory, and the virus is just starting to heat up.

Taking advantage of the virus's skyrocketing popularity, many businesses and designers are wheeling out products inspired by the dangerous sickness. Hot-shot fashion designers Valentino and Marc Jacobs both have swine flu-inspired runway shows coming up this summer, with Jacobs dubbing his collection "March of the Pigs But Actually Models".

"I used to think, 'Well fuck, I love the idea of pigs and I love the idea of plagues, but how can I combine the two into a fashion gaystravaganza?'" mused Jacobs. "Then swine flu came along killing all those poor people and I was like, 'Bingo. Bingo. Bingo. Bingo. Bingo. Binga. Beengo! Binger.'"

The ubiquitous designer also plans to drop 100 gallons of flu-infected saliva from the ceiling at the show, in a marketing ploy that can only be described as genius. Once Kanye West, a usual attendant of high fashion shows, comes down with swine flu, the virus's hipness level will be off the charts that these things are measured on.

McDonald's, in an effort to cash in on swine flu's world dominance, has unveiled a new sandwich-- the Pork Pile: Fancy Meat Edition-- which is guaranteed, they say, to come from pigs that have been known to spread the virus. Of course, one cannot contract swine flu by eating pork, but the numerous Mexican employees in every single McDonald's in the country will ensure each customer has a shot to get sick. It's all in an internal memo McDonald's sent out to their corporate offices last week:

Even Hollywood is getting in on the action, with an animated film in the works about a lonely talking pig that can't spread swine flu and the trials and tribulations of growing up an outcast. The film is tentatively called Pigz: Swine Pig, Big Pig: Piggin' It: The Movie and is set to star John Travolta and Magic Johnson.

As a result of all this popularity, other, more "boring" viruses and diseases are being ignored or marginalized by the rest of the country.

Yikes McDoor, a 31-year old man from Venus, California, said one morning he woke up sick, and was all excited, only to learn he did not have what he thought he had.

"Yeah, one day I woke up feeling like chud, you know, fever, puking in my bed on purpose, pissing and shitting my pants for no reason, and I was like, 'Yes! I have swine flu!' But when I went to the doctor and she ran some tests, turned out I had fucking regular flu," said Yikes. "My emotion was anger about that news. BOOOOORRRRRRINNGGGGGGG."

In another instance, Byool Jaundice, 26, of Foodleharp, Mass., had contracted Mobius Syndrome, a disease which causes facial paralysis and and an inability to move one's eyes back-and-forth, and was ready for stardom.

"I got Mobius, and I thought it was rad, 'cause it's mad rare and then Oprah called and shit, and she wanted me on the show and stuff. And I was all set to go on all these talk shows and fucking swine flu shows up. Now no one cares about my cross-eyed face."

Time will tell how long swine flu's omnipresence lasts. Recall that bird flu saw a lot of popularity earlier in the decade before being labeled "too Asian". In ten years, swine flu may have befallen the same fate, and we will be talking about fashion shows and value meals inspired by horse cock flu. Or something. Something with horses, probably.

Jerks: The Band

2009-04-28T17:33:00.004-05:00

The new Wilco album is called Wilco (The Album), with lead song titled "Wilco the Song". Uh, someone's been reading my blog and stealing my jokes... assholes: the DEFINITELY ASSHOLES.

Via Pitchfork

It's Sharp Out Here On The Cutting Edge Of Comedy Ouch

2009-04-22T12:50:00.016-05:00

It's time once again for everybody's (nobody's) favorite jokeblogpost™-- the CNN.com most emailed articles thing! You know the idea: I finish CNN.com's most emailed articles of the day, with my hilarious, brain-melting joke coming after the ellipses.

Sample: Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream realized in... not America.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW FUNNY THAT IS, CAN YOU.

To the moon!:

1. Commentary: Why we're fascinated by... giraffes with the head of a horse: The reason.
2. Trust that you'll find exactly what... you are looking for in a woman just kidding women are cRaZy you can't predict what they'll do next!
3. 'Silent' heart attacks more common... in mime shows and I bet it's funny to see that happen where do I buy tickets.
4. Unleash thy inner bard on 'Talk Like... a Sissy Baby Day: You're Going to Get Punched in the Ear: The Holiday'
5. Police: Death of Freddie Mac CFO may... be suicide, WHOOPSIES.
6. Commentary: Hey Miss California,... cool tits.
7. Hackers stole data on Pentagon's... newest weapons just kidding pfft 'hackers' what is this 1996, TOPICAL.
8. Report: Poor Latinos face abuse... but still watch 'The George Lopez Show' enough to have it renewed over and over again yikes.
9. Finding love on a deadline can be... easy find a morbidly obese woman: The Joke, thanks.
10. Woman unable to walk after... the leg gnomes steal her legs in the night.

Phew, I am on the cutting edge of comedy right now, you guys. Any second now I expect to receive a call from a bunch of network execs asking me to host the "Cutting Edge Comedy Awards" but I'll turn them down because it would be weird to host the show AND ALSO BE THE WINNER OF EVERY CATEGORY.

Have a lovely day.

This Is Funny To Me For Some Reason

2009-04-17T12:28:00.010-05:00

Wrongfully Accused? Piracy in the Courts
by David Trickery
Uhaul News Service

April 17, 2009

NEW YORK, New York-- After nearly 165 hours of deliberation, a jury today came back with a "guilty" verdict against Captain Horatio Pugwash Redbeard Martino, who was arrested by Federal agents last year after being suspected of running the file-sharing web site "The Pirate Bay".

The site, which boasts more than 3.5 million registered users, allows users to exchange files that include video games, movies, and music, among others. Trouble began last year when Dreamworks sent a cease and desist letter to the site, asking it to remove "Choose Your Own Jeans", or else face a costly lawsuit. Whomever was running the site at the time posted the letter, along with other similar ones from myriad media companies (including Warner Bros. and Twentieth Century Fox), mocking the content of the warnings.

Today, Captain Redbeard Martino faces 3 years in prison, and must pay various companies $4 million. Though the famous pirate maintains that this is a case of mistaken identity.

"Yarrrgh, what even is a 'web site'? I'm a man of the high seas, captain of the beautiful ship 'Seahorse Delight: The Ship'. I don't know nothing of this 'computer' talk!"

Indeed, Captain Redbeard Martino does not seem to be capable of running a file-sharing site. However, there was pressure on the FBI to make an arrest, and one morning agents found the Captain sleeping on a bench in Central Park, murmuring about a ship and the "Golden Sword of Destiny". (All this according to various testimonies.)

During the case, the prosecution brought up the Captain's lengthy arrest record, including several stints in prison for "looting", "swinging on a rope to escape a dozen of the King's soldiers", and "carrying various unconcealed weapons" including a one-shot pistol, sword, dagger, and a thing called a "skull hammer", which is used to crush human skulls. When the skull hammer was brought up in court by the prosecution, Captain Redbeard Martino laughed heartily and mimicked the act of crushing a person's skull. Then he chugged a liter or so of rum which he had hidden in his beard, to the chagrin of the judge. Then the Captain pulled another liter of rum from under his hat, and drank that while winking at everyone in attendance.

That the Captain didn't have a home, much less a computer, didn't seem to matter to the prosecution or the jury. And since Captain Martino chose to represent himself ("Lawyers?! I cut out lawyer's hearts and eat them on a gold platter for fun! It's fun, that activity!"), he had a hard time convincing anyone that he was not the owner of "The Pirate Bay". Instead, whenever it was his turn to question or cross-examine someone on the stand, he just kept asking them where his ship was.

One exchange, with Warner Bros. executive Yurm Fleece, went like this:

Captain: You! Yarrgh! I'm angry. I'm an angry pirate and I'll probably sing some songs about life on the sea soon!
Mr. Fleece: Uh... um, is there a question?
Captain: I'll ask the questions here!
Mr. Fleece: Y-yes, um, yes sir.
Captain: You! Where is Seahorse Delight: The Ship? Where? I need my ship! I have to scoot under the Horn of Africa by winter's time, when the shark-alligators have moved to warmer waters, and the Great Black Sea-Witch Proomna is vulnerable to cannon fire! I WANT THE TREASURE. YARRRRRGH!
Mr. Fleece: Is that a serious ques--
Captain: YARRRRRRRRGHHGHGHHH!!!!

When the judge read the verdict, the prosecution shook hands and smiled. Captain Redbeard Martino pulled his one-shot pistol out of his mustache and shot and killed a member of the jury. In the ensuing chaos, a green parrot flew in through an open window and unlocked the Captain's handcuffs with his beak. The parrot squawked, "Guilty! Guilty!" and flew back out. Suddenly, the Captain ran to the window and grabbed hold of a rope that was dangling from the roof of the courthouse. In one graceful motion he threw his dagger into the heart of the lead prosecutor and swung down onto the deck of his ship, which was waiting for him, his crew shouting their approval and singing a pirate song.

Then everyone went home and this ridiculous "article" ended, yikes.

1/4 Done, Yikes

2009-04-17T08:58:00.019-05:00

This is overdue, but I wanted to write up a few more albums for you to check out. We're a quarter of the way through 2009 (!!) and we've already been treated to several fantastic albums. On this blog I've decided to eschew releases from, say, Grizzly Bear and Animal Collective (who have both recorded phenomenal albums this year) in favor of bands you might not hear about. Bands like Grizzly Bear are going to have their faces on the cover of every music magazine in the country (and elsewhere) for the next several months, so I would rather recommend something that isn't shoved down your throat, but is just as worthy of your attention.

Micachu and the Shapes
Jewellery
(Rough Trade/Accidental)

Micachu (née Mica Levi) is a 21 year old from the UK and she (sometimes with her band) writes off-kilter, bizarre little pop songs that, with the help of producer Matthew Herbert (the album's secret weapon), are sculpted gems brimming with ideas. On certain songs ("Sweetheart", for example), it sounds as if, while running with a good idea, Micachu can't wait to get to the next song so she can dazzle us with another. Acoustic and electric guitar, keyboards, drums (solid beats pepper the whole album), and homemade instruments (a vaccuum cleaner) dart in and out of the mix, and the band never lingers too long on one idea. The whole thing is a bit off-putting and perhaps unfinished sounding at first, but after a couple listens Micachu's ear for catchy, head-nodding pop shines through. Like shiny Jewellery.

Listen: "Calculator"

White Rabbits
It's Frightening
(TBD)

White Rabbits' debut album Fort Nightly brought the sextet critical acclaim and friends in high places. Over the past two years the band has toured with fellow New Yorkers The Walkmen and indie superheroes Spoon. Apparently Spoon frontman Brit Daniel liked what he heard so much that he signed on to produce It's Frightening, the second album from White Rabbits. And Daniel's fingerprints are all over this record. Daniel, a Jedi master of using space in music, has convinced the Rabbits to let their songs breathe a bit. And yes, sometimes It's Frightening sounds like a cross between Spoon's own Girls Can Tell (2003) and Kill the Moonlight (2005). Hey, those are two pretty excellent albums to emulate.

Listen: "Percussion Gun"

Dananananaykroyd
Hey Everyone!
(Best Before)

This album is definitely not for everyone, but Dananananaykroyd's mix of indie rock, post-hardcore, and nostalgia for my days of seeing shows at the Americal Civic Center in downtown Wakefield just does it for me. Of the recent surge of good Scottish bands (Frightened Rabbit, Camera Obscura, Los Campesinos!), Dan is the most violent, the most aggressive. They remind me of bands like Braid from the hXc scene in the 90s-- brash but tuneful. Some people won't like this album, but for anyone who has ever wished that indie had a little more hardcore in it and hardcore would take a dose of indie, this record finds a nice middle ground. Plus, come on, "Dananananayroyd"? Hilarious. (Below is one of their tamer songs.)

Listen: "Black Wax"

Heartless Bastards
The Mountain
(Fat Possum)

Erika Wennerstrom has one of the best voices in rock. That's number one. Second is that this blues-rock quintet absolutely killed at SXSW, relying heavily on cuts from their outstanding new album, The Mountain, and really making a name for themselves in the process. And three albums into their career, they deserve the accolades. Wennerstrom absolutely roars over stomping drums and bluesy-by-way-of-the-Kinks guitar riffs, her lyrics tackling Nature's awe-inspiring landscapes-- mountains, deserts, the sea-- and tells a story of leaving home and the tribulations that follow. This is some gritty music.

Listen: "The Mountain"

----------

Ok, that's good for now. (This actually takes a long time because my computer is slow right now.) You might have noticed the lack of hip-hop albums on this and the previous list. Shame. DOOM's Born Into This is good but not great and Mr. Lif's new album is pretty underwhelming. I'm still waiting for that first great rap album of 2009...maybe Wale will come through? Anyway, next time I'll write up the new Dirty Projectors; that shit rules. And more. For fun. More fun. Bye.

I'm Tired, Okay?

2009-04-15T07:52:00.008-05:00

Sitting in Logan Airport last Friday morning, I noticed that, among some of the more well-known choices like United and Jet Blue, there were some strange, very small airlines that I'd never heard of before. Like, um:

Yes Jet
Phyling Is Phun: The Plane
Air Seahorse
Sky Adventure Gold Medal
;) Airlinez
XXXtreme
Take Off Into The Sky
Aliens Are Real: The Company
Boat Cruise In The Air
Sky Whale
Sky Cheetah
Jizz Jet
Whoops I Stopped Caring About This Bye

Dadz

2009-04-09T10:35:00.002-05:00

THIS is a real thing. Awesome.

Angry Letters to Dying Newspapers: The Thing

2009-04-07T08:51:00.011-05:00

Yesterday my grandfather had a letter published in the New York Times (seriously). A staunch Democrat his entire life, I have never (before reading the letter) heard him criticize the blue party. The letter reads:

Re “Obama’s Ersatz Capitalism,” by Joseph E. Stiglitz (Op-Ed, April 1):

After reading of the Obama administration’s planned ripoff of the taxpayer with its latest scheme to reward Wall Street and the banks, I have a suggestion for Lawrence H. Summers, the director of the National Economic Council, and Timothy F. Geithner, the Treasury secretary:

Closet yourselves in a locked room with Joseph Stiglitz and Paul Krugman and try to make your voodoo economics argument.

Two financial forecasting failures versus two Nobelists in economics should prove to be no contest. They might even come up with a solution to the continuing disaster afflicting us all.

Roy Moore
Wakefield, Mass., April 1, 2009

******

Phew. Good thing I have no idea what that means. However, I also had a letter published that day and mine, I must say, is also very smart and wordy.

Re “Obama’s Ersatz Capitalism,” by Joseph E. Stiglitz (Op-Ed, April 1):

Well! Was not I surprised to read this tidbit of news information about Obama the President and His Economy! Taxpayer. Schemes. Plotz. After reading this piece (it was definitely this one or one near it), I have a suggestion for Lawrence H. Summers, the Emperor of Bank Money, and Timothy F. Geithner, Plastic Surgeon to the Stars:

Climb into the backseat of a very small car with Joseph Stiglitz and Paul Krugman and yell phrases at each other until the whole thing is funny and then someone get in the driver's seat and drive to Dairy Queen and order French Toast Candy Chunk Blizzards for everyone because you deserve it and because you fixed the Economy! We all have jobs again!

That is the end of my letter to you!

David Trickery
AMERICA, April 1, 2009

******

...I'm not really sure what that was. But for some reason its making me laugh. You guys are so awesome for sticking with me. Ha.

SEE THIS MOVIE

2009-04-06T07:32:00.014-05:00

8th time's the charm
by David Trickery
Uhaul News Service
May 14, 2024

Way back in 2009 (also known as "the Stone Age", am I right), a little movie called "Fast & Furious" banked $72.5 million during its opening weekend, a record at the time for a movie opening in April. Well, this past weekend, "Fast & Furious" was left in the dust that was kicked up by the spinning tires of "8 Fast 8 Furious", the latest installment in the carz'n'sexxx franchise starring Vin Diesel and Paul Walker.

In 2009, after "Fast & Furious" made them household names again, Diesel and Walker (along with female counterparts Jordana Brewster and Michelle Rodriguez) called it quits on the series in an attempt to go out on top with that massive opening. But after 2011's "This Is the 5th Fast & Furious Movie" went straight to DVD, the two bulky stars returned for "Space Race: Faster and Furiouser in Space: The Movie", in 2014. Though the film grossed a respectable $61 million on its opening weekend, critics were quick to weigh in with mediocre reviews. A.O. Scott of the New York Times wrote of the film, "'Worst film ever' doesn't even begin to describe this piece of shit. I'm literally quitting my job because of it. This is my whole review. Peace, fuckers."

Richard Corliss, of Time, usually not one to be overly harsh in his reviews, wrote at the time, "When Diesel delivers the line, 'That's one small step for man... one awesome race I just had in my Subaru car in space,' I accidentally shit inside my pants a little bit. I was that angry."

Variety said, in a now-famous review, "Watching the film, I had the surreal experience of wanting it (the film) to suddenly catch AIDS. I had a waking dream in which the film paused halfway through (sometime around the point where Paul Walker and a digital Neil Armstrong race around Saturn's rings in two bright-colored Mazdas) and the film, somehow now a human man, announced to the theater that he had AIDS, and would have to die now and could we please all leave. Then I snapped out of it and Vin Diesel was building an engine out of materials he found inside of the sun when he was inside of the sun during part of the movie I missed."

It was another four years before the 7th film, "If You Think You Know What Fast Is, You Don't Know What Fast Is & Furious: 7", was made, and this time the plot centered on a young street racer, Jym (Bool Jaundice), who loses his legs in a crash and is forced into a wheelchair. A genie (Yikes McDoor) promises Jym his legs back if he can win a wheelchair race against Tyack Furm (Shaquille O'Neal), a wheelchair-bound wizard who is keeping the genie's family under a 200 year sleep spell that they can only get out of if someone beats Tyack in a race. The film is currently out of print.

For years, rumors of an 8th movie surfaced then disappeared over and over again, but no new details ever seemed to emerge. Finally, in early 2023, it was said that Diesel and Walker were onboard and set to reprise their roles from the original "The Fast & the Furious". Shooting wrapped in late 2023, and the movie just opened to staggering box office numbers. "8 Fast 8 Furious", set in a series of secret Asian volcanoes, was a lot of fun to make, according to the stars.

"It was a lot of fun to make, according to me," asserted Walker.

For Diesel, shooting the film felt like it did nearly 25 years ago, when the first installment appeared in theaters, taking in a lot more money than the studio originally thought it was capable of.

"For me, shooting this film felt like it did nearly 25 years ago, when the first installment appeared in theaters, taking in a lot more money than the studio originally thought it was capable of," shouted Vin Diesel directly into my face, causing me to drop my Pepsi.

With the strong opening numbers, does this mean a 9th film is in the future?

"Fuck you," said Diesel, laughing but also not laughing.

"I hope so," said Walker. "We can call it, 'Enough Already!: The Movie.' But I'm kidding about that. I honestly don't know what the title would be."

Dad of the Year: The Prize

2009-04-03T08:38:00.014-05:00

Kids are like kittens: Once they get to be a certain age (a few months old), you just want to "accidentally" throw them out with the garbage and make sure they don't escape the garbage. But are you allowed to do that? Yes, you-- wait, I'm being told no, no you cannot.

So fine (ugh), you can't just throw away your baby. I get it. But now what? Soon that little boy or girl is going to grow up into a terrifying monster, and you need to know how to ~~isolate it until it dies quietly~~ take care of it and nurture it. But it's not easy! Sometimes you might want to give up and threaten your 8-month old with the prospect of taking his afternoon nap in a 400-degree oven. WITHOUT HIS BLANKET. Don't do that, though. I realize you can't do that. You can, however, say things like, "Dear baby, you are the worst," because they don't know anything and they're idiots.

How To Stop The Whining

Babies and toddlers are amazingly stupid, yes, but they are capable of learning a few things. One thing kids learn right away is how to get you to do shit for them, especially when they're old enough to start talking. Go ahead, try to teach your kids politeness and manners. Sure, the first time or two they ask for something they might be polite. But if you don't IMMEDIATELY respond, it's fucking Whine City, population: Shit-head Baby, Mayor of Being An Asshole.

So how can you stop the whining? Well, you can't. You're pretty much fucked. Whining is your kid's way of teaching you a lesson for not being ultra-attentive to his every stupid need. So the only thing you can do is teach him a lesson. And that lesson is called Ignore Him Until He's Dead. ... Okay, fine, keep him alive. But don't give in. Eventually he will get tired and fall asleep. And that's when you can mail him to Europe in the mail!

******

I wrote more for this but really every joke boiled down to "Be a terrible parent! Accidentally murder your child!" I guess I'll just save you having to read 1500 more words and call it a day. Sorry for being so meta right now. At least I'm back and writing again.

Love and kisses.

Jokes We Can Believe In

2009-03-24T09:06:00.016-05:00

I think it's time for more Finish The Sentence With Words™. (Catchy, right?) This is where I take the most e-mailed articles from Cnn.com and finish the site's sentences. You know, like CNN writes, "Dog catcher responsible for..." and I (because I'm so hilarious) finish with "...catching all the dogs it is his job to do that." O.K., let's ride this comedy ship to the comedy moon.

1. Excerpt: Parents, your kids aren't... in school right now, they're smoking cigars and roller skating!
2. One of the best foods for your heart is... a lasagna smoothie just kidding, um, fruit?
3. Comedian Steve Harvey: Women... and men are so different I'll prove it.
4. Want to live longer? Cut back on red... killing yourself.
5. Newspapers fold as readers defect and... jump off buildings HOW WILL WE GET OUR INFORMATION NOW.
6. No need to hang up your running shoes... because running is free in this economy.
7. Lance Armstrong breaks collarbone in race... whoops.
8. Tragic poet Sylvia Plath's son... no one cares.
9. Meghan McCain: I support Obama... if this is Opposite Day.
10. Obama to beef up Mexican border policy... with taco beef I couldn't help myself sorry.

Yes. I did it. (I'm going to Chicago tomorrow night for like 5 days, so I probably won't write anything. Sorry, no one who reads this.)

Imagine If I Actually Thought This Was Funny?

2009-03-20T11:39:00.008-05:00

Guys, we are gonna do something so fun right now. The potential for this post blows up my mind with power. On CNN.com, there's a section where you can view the top-10 most e-mailed articles. And the best part is, most of the article names aren't finished. For example, you might see something like, "Man went to the doctor and found out..." And then, for comedy, you could write "...his sore throat was actually AIDS." Ha! They always tack those ellipses on the end SO CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW FUN IT IS GOING TO BE TO FINISH THE SENTENCES. I can hardly wait.

Here's how this works: I'll copy what CNN.com has written, then finish the sentence after the ellipses. So my addition comes after the ellipses. Got it? Oh man, this is going to kill.

1. 'Minor' head injuries can turn... bad.
2. Desperate Japanese head to 'suicide'... himself.
3. Skiers can cut risks by wearing... not skis.
4. Geither: I should have known... about it.
5. Russian planes fly over U.S.... and in 1981 this would matter.
6. Muslim groups: FBI knows... about you.
7. Simon and Garfunkel reuniting for tour... ON THE MOON!
8. Head injury from blunt impact killed... nobody they all lived thank God.
9. Study: Prostate screenings don't... aren't fun.
10. Woman asks ex-husband to... stop punching her face.

Holy shit I am so funny because I finished those sentences. HOW DO I COME UP WITH THIS STUFF.

(Ugh.)

One Short Play

2009-03-20T10:16:00.003-05:00

Having The Best Time: A complex social commentary

[Location: A packed house party. Yikes McDoor is blacked out drunk sitting on a couch by himself.]

Yikes McDoor: [screaming at no one, everyone] I am having the best fucking time EVER! [Pisses his pants. Falls asleep.]

Curtain.

Yikes.

2009-03-20T09:53:00.002-05:00

Oh my God, Oprah is so fucking scary looking. That face is going to haunt my dreams.

Some Music For Your Ears

2009-03-19T10:01:00.007-05:00

Last Saturday, a few people came up to me and asked if there were any new bands or albums they should check out. I was flattered that I was the person they sought advice from, but at the time I was having difficulty recommending new music. Sometimes you just blank I guess. Anyway, here's a short list of albums I've been digging in 2009; hopefully a couple pique your interest.

Phoenix
Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

In 2006, France's Phoenix put out a fantastic if under heard album called It's Never Been Like That, which sounded like a smoother version of Is This It. Now, with Wolfgang, Phoenix have made the album the Strokes should have made instead the abortion that is First Impressions of Earth. Wolfgang's nine songs fly by, but each catchy, synth-&-guitar-driven track is saturated with hooks. If "1901" and "Lasso" don't catch on in the U.S., then we've forgotten what good guitar-pop is.

Listen: "1901"

Cymbals Eat Guitars
Why There Are Mountains

This new band from NYC has a lot of Built to Spill and Modest Mouse in them. Need more convincing? Why There Are Mountains covers a little bit of everything over the course of its nine tracks-- off-kilter post-punk, guitar-noise squalor, early Elephant 6-esque horn arrangements, poignant, occasionally dark lyrics that touch on the power of the road and travel, and quality musicianship to tie it all together. Cymbals Eat Guitars pack a lot into each song, and that provides something we don't often get from music anymore-- replay value.

Listen: "Wind Phoenix"

The Pains of Being Pure at Heart
The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

Last year bands like Crystal Stilts (awesome!) and Vivian Girls (meh.) helped make lo-fi noise-pop popular again. Fellow Brooklyn-ites The Pains of Being Pure at Heart are the second wave of this "movement" (but don't hold it against them for arriving late to the party), playing earnest and clever pop songs that are at once fuzzy and warm. For a comparison, think a slightly more muscular, slightly less melancholy (but still tickles that nostalgia bone) Smiths.

Listen: "Young Adult Friction"

The Thermals
Now We Can See

LP4 from The Thermals is the band at their poppiest. Yes, they're still a pop-punk band, but the years have stripped some of the fuzz and dirt off the songs. Though anyone listening to this band is sure to hear the familiar vitriol in the songs, no matter how poppy the band gets. As with all Thermals albums, there is a theme running through Hutch Harris' lyrics-- this time he's ditched the religious tropes in favor of a character who has taken to the sea to escape a suffocating world. This time around the songs feel more fleshed out, fuller. "Catchy" is too weak a word to describe the 3- and 4-chord pop blasts shouting out of Harris' guitar. This is another album that seems to fly by, but in a way that makes you want to cycle back to track 1 and start the thing again. And again.

Listen: "Now We Can See"

***

All of these albums have leaked, and you can find them with a little searching. In the next day or so, I'll write about more albums I've been digging, including the new Grizzly Bear LP. I love you guys.

Oprah: Hero

2009-03-18T07:21:00.025-05:00

If there's one thing Oprah has taught me over the years, it's how to have great sex. She really knows her stuff, and her tips and suggestions have helped me grow immensely as a lover. (And a person!) Whenever I'm engaged in sex and my partner says something like, "Oh, Troi, you're so good at sex!," I always reply, "You can thank Oprah for that.," before I dump a horse cock's worth of horse liquid all over her torso.

But I can't be selfish anymore. I'd like to take the time to share my secrets with you, so that you might spice up your sex life with spices and also sugars. So, if your time in the bedroom is feeling a bit stale, or your wife or girlfriend is constantly screaming, "This is the WORST SEX EVER!" directly into your face, then I urge you to read these tips. After all, you can only watch your partner burst into tears because the sex is so bad so many times before you start taking action.

1. Tell The Truth

Ladies, be honest: You've faked a couple few orgasms. I'm not blaming you-- I understand that you don't want to hurt your man's feelings by just laying there like a wounded giraffe. Unfortunately, you could be doing more damage to your sex life than you think. By faking it, your man will think he's doing everything right, and nothing will improve. Instead, if you don't feel properly pleased, tell him about it. He might feel the sting of embarrassment initially (especially if you use the words "tiny" and "penis" and "what's wrong with you" in the same sentence), but it means he'll work harder next time. Either that or he'll think, "Fuck it", and only work hard enough to be able to shoot a boiling hot rope of jizz in your eyes.

2. Ask For What You Want

You know that show on MTV, the "Real World"? You probably never heard of it. It's the one where at the beginning someone says, "Stop being polite and start getting real." You should apply that idea to the bedroom. Everyone has different needs, and if you simply go along with whatever the other person wants all the time, you won't be fully satisfied. One solution: draw a "map" of the body, and circle areas you want your partner to focus on. This can be a fun (and sUpEr creative!!) way to selfishly make your lover do really boring shit like kiss your ribs.

Each of you get a "map", and then you circle the areas you want the other to pay attention to. ~~It's a really embarrassing and stupid game that makes you feel like a tiny baby.~~ It's a great way to improve foreplay!

Sample woman map:

Sample man map:

Now, you and your lover can play a game of "X" marks the spot! Am I right you guys? ("seX" marks the spot, too.)

3. Let Go Of Negative Messages

Everybody knows that 9 out of 10 women were raped by their Dads when they were growing up. It's science, look it up. However, just because you can't get the image of your Dad's sweaty red face and plump-in-weird-areas body out of your mind, that does not give you the right to bring a negative attitude about sex into the bedroom.

Many people, mostly due to stumbling upon their parents having sex in the bathtub, think that sex is a gross act. But again, it's a bad idea to spray your boyfriend's dick with mace every time he takes off his pants just because you find it to be "disgusting". You need to clear your mind of all the terrible things in your childhood (and adolescence!) that made you hate sex.

And don't worry, there are things you can do to help you garner a positive outlook about sex. One idea is to start a journal. Write down any messages that come to mind, especially right after sex. For example:

>This is good for me.
>I am a sensual woman!
>I am entitled to good feelings.
>A good sex life is important to me.
>It's time to really open up.
>I don't like how that tastes.
>It's okay, he was just a little drunk.
>Why did he put that there?
>My tits are bruised. Yikes.
>I'm starting to get nervous.
>More pills and vodka, please.
>When will the horror stop?
>If anyone is reading this, I'm already dead.

4. Men, Get To Know Your Partner's Body

Men: Think you know all there is to know about the opposite sex's anatomy? THINK ABOUT IT AGAIN BECAUSE YOU'RE WRONG. The vagina is a mystery of science that no one will ever figure out. What is it exactly? Well, no one knows. No one knows anything about it. Some doctors believe that the vagina is made out of expensive leather, while others think that it whispers secrets in the middle of the night and these secrets will cure AIDS if we can only trap the whispers in a jar. Guys, all you can do is pray that whatever you're doing will work for her. Because if there's one thing everyone agrees on, it's that an angry vagina is one of the most terrifying things on Earth. Vaginas will blackmail you for money, frame you for murder, and even, on occasion, trap your penis inside its sharp teeth and never let go. (Until you've paid it some money.) One time this vagina followed me into a dark alley wearing a trench coat and a fedora and held me up at knife-point. What an ordeal that was.

Anyhorse, I hope these tips have been helpful. As an avid Oprah watcher, I know they have helped me. It's a matter of communication. Communicate better, and good sex will follow. And no, guys, I'm not just talking about telling your girlfriend you're going to cum when she's s-ing your d. That's just polite.

This Was a Failed Idea From the Start

2009-03-16T11:28:00.003-05:00

Recently, my Dad found out I had a blog. He showed surprising interest in the project, and begged me to let him contribute something. After careful consideration, he decided that he wanted to write a running diary of a random Saturday, from waking up to going to bed at night. All I did was sign him into my account, so that whenever he felt like writing something, he could sit down at the computer and share his thoughts and activities. So, without further delay, here is my Dad's first attempt at blogging.

***

Saturday, March 14, 2009

9:07 am: Hello readers! Testing, testing. Is this thing on? But I'm kidding about that.

I just woke up and put on some coffee, and I'm excited to share my day with you, the one reading this! I'm not very good with computers (I just checked our house's mailbox for e-mail! Just kidding.), so please bear with me.

***

Haha, okay, no more of that. My fake Dad impression was making me angry at myself. I love you.

Help Wanted

2009-03-13T07:37:00.008-05:00

In this economy, serial rapists having a hard time finding work
by David Trickery
Uhaul News Service

BOSTON, MA-- You see it every day in the papers and on televised news on the television screen-- Americans are being laid off by the thousands, and the unemployment rate nationwide is approaching 8% out of 100%.

No company is immune to the raging AIDS-Cancer that is financial cutbacks, and the solution for many is to dump workers. From small businesses to some of the world's largest corporations, the American workforce is hurting like never before. Ouch this is hurting me. Stop. You are hurting me, America. I know, I know. We were just wrestling around playfully but you hit me hard in the nose by accident and my eyes started tearing up, America, and then things got a little too aggressive and I karate chopped your throat and now everyone is crying plus my t-shirt is ripped a little bit.

But one group is feeling the sting of unemployment perhaps more than any other-- rapists. Though strong, forceful, often sneakily clever individuals, rapists are having a difficult finding work. Not only that, but it seems as if the more times a person has been convicted of rape, the harder it is for him for find a job.

"Convictions? For rape? Jesus man, I don't know. 40? 41? 116? It's hard to say. But no one will hire me! It's discrimination," says Funt Ticklehat, a serial rapist just out of prison.

"Look," Ticklehat adds. "Just because I've raped everything from a 3 year old baby boy to a dead horse does NOT mean you have the right to tell me I can't teach kindergarten!"

Another serial rapist, Chet "Hands" Pyool, who is 41 years old, has been out of work for years.

"It don't matter where I apply or what I apply for. Gym teacher. Doctor of medicine. Pilot. Professional basketball player. Blacksmith. No one wants a guy who once, in his twenties, rounded up all his previous elementary school teachers and raped them. Yeah there were some dudes. So what. Give me a job."

Many of these rapers are required to go door-to-door in their communities once they are out of jail and tell neighbors that they are convicted sex offenders. Once the word spreads like the forced open legs and butt of a rape victim, the felon's chance of finding work diminish greatly.

"Hey man, it's not like I didn't get raped every single day in prison, man," says Denton Ronald, nickname "Birthday Party". "There a balance there. Yes. I raped my Dad. But then everyone in jail raped me! I should be forgiven for that!"

Indeed, the question of rehabilitation is one that may be preventing many rapists from landing a job. Many company managers and human resource directors take one look at the box checked "yes" under the question "Are you a filthy rapist?" and convince themselves that the applicant will always be a deviant.

"'Once a rapist, always a person who will rape everyone,' as the saying goes," asserted Mary Beenf, the hiring manager at a local Marvin's Mexican Grille: The Restaurant: Mexico, in Revere. "If you're eating one of our Sports Tacos and sipping some Diet Milk and you look up and one of our employees is raping you and your entire family, you might be upset. You might not come back to try our new Surprise!: You're Surprised! meal. You might not do that. You..."

When asked if he thought he was rehabilitated by his years doing hard time in maximum security prison, Chet "Hands" Pyool was thoughtful in his reply.

"Will I rape again? No. No I probably won't. But I might. Yes. I will rape. Soon. But first I have to drop off an application at this day care place downtown." He coughed. "Jizz."

Many rapists are hoping President Obama's stimulus plan will convince many managers and shop owners to open their doors to new hires.

"Yes, I do hope that works. But if it doesn't, I'm going to rape everyone," says Ticklehat.

With the future of the economy in question, no one can say for sure if rapists will finally be able to get work. The history of America, though, is one of discrimination followed by acceptance. Blacks, women, and gay faggots all felt the heavy hand of inequity before being hired en masse to make their mark on the American workforce. Someday, people who force you to have brutal sex with them may be afforded the same opportunity.

A Few Words On This Whole 'Watchmen' Thing

2009-03-11T11:07:00.006-05:00

During my viewing of Watchman last night at the IMAX theater in Reading, I kept wondering how many people in the audience had not read Alan Moore's 1987 graphic novel of the same name. This thought came to mind because anyone who has read Watchmen, even once, is incredibly familiar with the ins-and-outs of the story. Watchmen (the graphic novel) is written and illustrated in such a way as to make the reader's eye plunge forward, then circle back, focus and examine acutely, tie up the pieces of the plot at the same time as you're learning new aspects of the story. Because there is so much going on in the novel, the only way to keep things straight is to constantly reset as you're reading, to create a flash-speed flip book in your mind's eye. By the end, the seemingly endless cast of characters and their complex profiles, along with the hard-charging story lines have coiled around your head, not easily forgotten. Anyone who has read Watchmen is an expert on Watchmen.

For this reason, the film experience is a curious one. Without even meaning to, people familiar with the novel fill in the gaps that the movie left out due to time constraints, artistic (directorial) license, etc. And despite the fact that many things are left out of the film, for the most part you leave with a sense of narrative completeness. Of course, those who have not had the experience of reading the novel do not have this luxury. I would imagine some parts of the film felt undercooked, half-developed, or even, in the case of the Silk Spectre II/Nite Owl II sex scene aboard a free-floating "Archie", cringe-worthy. ("Hallelujah"? Really Zack Snyder?)

For the people with no prior Watchmen experience, they saw a film that admittedly looked fantastic. Colors popped; every hue was crisp and clean. The set-design was good, too. Watchmen fanatics will have to admit that the filmmakers did well in taking, at least visually, the novel's lush illustrations and translating them onto the screen. At least in most scenes. Unfortunately, aside from these merits, the film just isn't very strong. For the uninitiated, there are leaps in logic, plot gaps galore, too many characters who are introduced quickly then disappear, bad romance, etc. It's somehow all too much and not enough.

Even those well-versed in Watchmen lore had to sit through some of those problems (but not all; I think we all just fleshed out the under-developed stuff) and try to ignore some really bad performances. (I'm looking at you, Silk Spectre II.) It's a small quip, but I felt myself getting embarrassed in the theater when "Sounds of Silence" started playing at the Comedian's funeral. However, aspects of the film like the soundtrack should have been a no brainer-- instead, Snyder went with obvious and over-used songs coming mostly from a time period 20 years before the main narrative takes place.

There were things that worked, too. Rorschach was well-done-- appropriately dark and one of the few characters in the film with a complete arc. Billy Crudup's Dr. Manhattan won me over with his near-whisper line delivery. At first I thought Crudup was underselling the role, but as the film went on, I thought he did well in displaying the doctor's inner struggle, trying to relate to the world he left behind after the accident while becoming more and more alienated from the people and places he loves. Also, at times, the quick cuts and camera work resembled a series of comic book frames. I read that Snyder was conscious of trying to make his camera mimic the eye of a person reading the comic. He ignored that concept for the most part, but occasionally he tried it, and occasionally it worked.

I have close friends who loved this movie. Still, I have close friends who despised it. Two people I know (who love the novel) actually walked out halfway through. I think I'm one of the only people I know who are sort of lukewarm on the whole thing. I didn't hate it (though I hated certain aspects) but I certainly didn't love it by any stretch. It left me feeling oddly hollow.

They should have got Robert Downey, Jr. to play the Comedian. Heh.

CHRiiS LOV3R!!!

2009-03-10T08:48:00.005-05:00

The alleged Rihanna/Chris Brown domestic abuse incident prior to the Grammys was a shocking and sobering event that sparked a firestorm of controversy and rumors. Seemingly overnight, two things happened: Chris Brown's career appeared to be in serious jeopardy, and the entire country rallied around Rihanna, offering her support and kind words. As more details poured out about the terrible nature of the violence perpetrated on Rihanna, the level of outrage directed at Chris Brown skyrocketed. Well... actually his album sales saw an increase this past week, but you can probably chalk that up to the morbid curiosity factor that usually accompanies these kinds of stories. We do know that America is behind Rihanna, showing her intense love and supporting her until she recovers from her substantial mental and physical scars. Take, for instance, these lovely message board posts from RollingStone.com:

tasia | 3/9/2009 7:05 pm

whoever says that they hope chris brown should go to jail shouldnt say that cuz u dont even no what heppen ur just listening to whatever the media is blowin it up to be i mean y listen to them they dont even no wat happen and y is everybody blaming chris for wat happen rihanna did some wrong to but im not sayin wat he did was rite (if he rele did it) but its not rite 4 a women to him a man either but all i got to say is i love chris and ima support him all the way becuz i am the official true fan and that NO i dont feel sorry for fihanna becuz she is no kind of hero to me!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love and support u all the way chris
love ur biggest fan tasia

***

Chriis LOV3R | 3/9/2009 3:37 pm

ii D0NT CAR3 WAT CHRiiS DiiD T3W H3R ii STiiL L0V3 HiiM……
ii N0 PPL SAY WAT iiF H3 B3AT Y3W LiiK3 THAT AND ii SAY H3 W0ULDNT B3AT M3 LiiKE THAT AND iiF H3 DiiD H3 W0ULD G3T HiiS ASS B3AT T3W…L0L
ii L0V3 Y3W CHRIS..♥

***

Rihanna is a bitch | 3/9/2009 3:10 p,

fukk rihanna. she’s a fake bitch. chris brown is great singer,,,

***

So, there you have it. A stunning display of support from America. And everyone is so articulate in their comments. Heartwarming. (I didn't make those up, by the way.)

Happy MP3s

2009-03-09T18:51:00.005-05:00

Two new pop songs that are making me happy right now:

"1901" -- Phoenix (from the forthcoming Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix LP)

"Now We Can See" -- The Thermals (from the forthcoming Now We Can See LP)

I Hate My Life

2009-03-09T13:05:00.003-05:00

Famous First Sentences in Literature:

"Ted jumped into the lake, the water flowing over his body like wet lake water over a body." --from Ted Jumps in the Water

"'You aren't my Dad!' gasped my Dad." --from Dad: A Peek

"'Where the FUCK is my Raisin Bran!!!' screamed Grandpa every single day." --from I Don't Feel Like Doing This Post Anymore: The Dave Command

An Essay About America

2009-03-08T13:59:00.002-05:00

Here at Marvin's Mexican Grille: The Restaurant: Mexico, we love people. And not just any people, but every people that there is. Every people that come into through our door, we love them. And you! We love them all! People. We're saying this: If you don't feel like we love you the second you walk in the door that you walk through to get inside the building, then we will ask you to leave but then come back in so we can start over and love you so much right away.

Some customers have been coming in for years, and we have gotten to know some of them those customers. Like for example take for instance this example of what we're talking about. Bool Jaundice. Bool has been coming here for hundreds of years. Just kidding. He hasn't been doing that. We opened in January. But since Day 1, Mr. Jaundice has been strolling in the front door where we want you to enter the restaurant and ordering a Chicken 'n' Parts Roll Bulge Special: The Food. He knows the ingredients by asking his heart.

Chicken parts. Beenz (our special artificial bean). Raspberry chutney. Other wet stuff. A spread of soft paste. Soured cream. Sour milk. Raisins.

Bool is one messy eater. He has repeatedly asked us to offer napkins, but here at Marvin's Mexican Grille: The Restaurant: Mexico, we will never do that. It adds to the charm of the eating experience and is at the heart of our motto: "Marvin's Mexican Grille: The Restaurant: Mexico: We Don't Have Napkins Here!" And whenever a large glob of raspberry chutney and soft paste falls out of the bottom of the bulge and lands on his shirt, everyone in the entire place laughs and laughs and has another sip of the premium Diet Milk we offer.

What is interesting about Bool is that he is a fat white person-- just our kind of guy! But we love all kinds of folks here: fat white people, white fat people, whites, light whites, fats. Every people are the ones we are loving!

So get over here to this restaurant to eat. So please, come on over. So please, come on down to Marvin's, where the food is food and might actually be food on the day you come.

Here is a portion of our menu for you to peruse. While you read it, pretend you're in Mexico, in a chair!

>Cow Steak: The Burrito
>Chiggin 'n' Staig Pile
>Surprise!: You're Surprised
>Sports Taco
>Guacamole Pudding
>Fat White People: The Value Meal
>Trout

More of This Bullshit

2009-03-05T17:16:00.003-06:00

Yet even more failed X-men characters:

Chad: The Beirut Partner
Ted "Wet Matches" Wet Matches
That Guy Merv From That Party Or Whatever
Undercooked Ziti: The Guy: The Dish
Diet Milk: The Product
"Fish Sandwich AGAIN, Mom? Come ON."
Michael "Gold Pants on a Nigga" Thompson
The Blanket Giver
Helicopter Hat Frank
The Gayest Faggot Alive

Ok, more later I guess. Those were weird. And awesome though.

Plays. You Love Them. And Me.

2009-03-04T13:50:00.017-06:00

Surprise!: The Surprised Feeling

[Location: Yikes McDoor's house. Yikes McDoor and Arson Joom, III are looking at a map.]

Arson Joom, III: I cannot for the life of me find Nebraska on this map. Where the shirt is it?

Yikes McDoor: That's a map of Venus.

Arson Joom, III: Venus the planet?

Yikes McDoor: Yes, Arson.

Arson Joom, III: That's probably why I couldn't find Nebraska.

Yikes Mcdoor: I think that's the reason, yes. Oh. Wait. That's a photo of my Dad. That's why.

Arson Joom, III: Oh yeah.

Curtain.

***

Yikes McDoor and His Players: The Band: The Play

[Location: A rock show. Yikes McDoor and His Players walk onstage to the cheering crowd]

Yikes McDoor and His Players: [play a concert]

Curtain.

E-mail Mails

2009-03-04T11:41:00.003-06:00

Just got back from Chicago, already have another trip planned for the last week in March. I was heartbroken to leave, but I'm excited to go again.

While I figure out what I'm doing on this blog, here's a spam e-mail I got today. Sorry Clara, but it looks like "Alina" needs my love.

Privet, my dear friend

The heart that once truly loves never forgets…
I want my first love to become my last love... I am looking for you...
I feel you are nearby... Click here and it will be the beginning of happiness
I hope! http://find-loveon.com/lovedance/
I'm a hard worker and enjoy all the little things in life. I never expect
anything and deal with situations as they present themselves. I try to keep an
open mind most of the time, and enjoy that in a partner. I am a communicative,
charming, kind, reliable, patient person. I love the outdoors and
any activity associated with it. I also love sports. I enjoy a good adrenaline
rush and always try and do something to challenge myself. Last but not least I
am very determined and know what I want to take from this lifetime. If there are
any holes in this brief profile I'll be happy to fill them in.

So long
A. N.

***

Talk to you soon, everyone.

More Fun With Pals

2009-02-24T14:01:00.016-06:00

Via Facebook Chat:

Me: Hey what's up?
Tara: We're watching these videos by this crazy artist.
Me: Oh, okay.
Tara: ...And I just saw his wife put a ball in his ass. Like a really big one. Like a pool ball.
Me: Um...
Tara: It's horrible.
Me: For the sake of art?
Tara: I guess so. They're masochists. He also pierces his dick and all this crazy shit. Ugh I feel sick.
Me: That sounds fun. Gross.
Tara: Oh God and he just put a nail through his penis.
Me: Haha, what is this movie?
Tara: Oh God, I'm just looking at a projector screen at a penis with a nail through it. It's so not good.
Me: This is the best conversation I've had all day.
Tara: And then he pulls it out and and it just bleeds EVERYWHERE. Oh God, gross.
Me: Hahaha
Tara: I'm sorry I had to pull you into this. I feel ill.
Me: Wow. What's the name of the movie? Shrek 2? Oh, cool.
Tara: Hahahaha

Fun With Pals

2009-02-24T13:21:00.007-06:00

Me: Steve, give me a haircut.
Steve: Bad idea. You'll look like Gene Wilder.

Can You Tell I Was Tired When I Came Up With That Last One?

2009-02-20T12:30:00.014-06:00

Even more failed X-Men characters:

Warm Table Gravy
Professor Aerobics
Geoff
The Human Guy
Man: The Guy
Tired Grandpa
Biff Expensive Jeans
Roger "Are You Sure This Is Cocaine" Blickster
Pretty Good At Magic-Eye™ Susan
Trout Girl
Electronic Mail!
Gal Girl
Earth Dirt
Dr. Golf
Vito Spaghetti-Pizza: Sauce
Yikes McDoor
Horse On The Loose
The Escaped Horse
Angry (At You) Dad
The Memory Rememberer
JOYCE
Mr. Constant-Bleeder
The Guy Who Never Stops Crying
Little Small Guy: The Short Man

Oscar Picks!

2009-02-20T10:34:00.003-06:00

The Oscars are Sunday, and every blogger worth his (or her!) salt has weighed in on picks. Of course, aNyThInG can happen on Oscar night, but predictions are fun, so I've decided to throw my hat into the ring where hats are sometimes thrown. Away we go!

Best Picture Nominees:
>Weed Smoke 3
>Choose Your Own Jeans
>Too Young For Sex: The What Are You Doing Here Story
>Sharks In The Water
>Get Ready For Exercise

Will win: Choose Your Own Jeans. This movie came out of nowhere to take America by storm. Soon after its release, everyone was choosing jeans to wear and having fun doing it.

Should win: Too Young For Sex: The What Are You Doing Here Story. A small film, Too Young begged the question, "What are you doing here? You're too young for sex." And the film answered back, "As long as you don't tell my Dad I think we'll be fine." And the film said, "Alright, but I'm nervous someone will find out." To which the film responded, "Don't worry about it. Show me where the condoms are."

Best Actor Nominees:
>Murph Shlunt, Adventure Saga
>Bobody McAnswerFarm, Choose Your Own Jeans
>Stick Wickford, TGIGS: Thank Gosh It's Golf Season
>Lurm, Sharks In The Water
>Tommy Lee Jones, Weed Smoke 3

Will win: Bobody McAnswerFarm. Jeans is poised to win several awards Sunday, and McAnswerFarm was choosing jeans with grace and panache for the entire running time of the film, which was 6 hours.

Should win: Lurm. Lurm's exclamation at the end of Sharks In The Water that "There are sharks in this water!" will go down as a line from movie history. His performance was reminiscent of great turns by acting heroes Glurston V. V. (Anger Machine) and B. Fish Yardaxe (Get This This Off Of Me: Now).

Best Actress Nominees:
>J. Judy Funtart, Weed Smoke 3
>Plood Glick, 1-800-Dangerzone
>Yikes McDoor, Get Ready For Exercise
>Nixxxy Russell-Adamson Flurb, Mystery Vacation
>Nancy Wedxxlodsnf, Shitass

Hahahaha, I'm sorry, this is too ridiculous to continue, even for me. Bye.

Short Plays, Vol. ?

2009-02-19T13:15:00.017-06:00

The Epic Universe

[Location: God's living room. God and Satan are sitting around, bored]

Satan: [kicks God in the shin]

God: Satan. Dude, cut the shit.

Satan: [sticks his wet finger in God's ear]

God: Jesus Satan! Stop!

Satan: [starting to laugh] Dude... did you just use you own name in vain?

God: Did I? [chuckles] Haha, shit. Yeah. I did. Oh, man. Funny stuff.

Satan: Heh, yeah. Let's rent a porno.

God: K.

Curtain.

***

Teacher and Pupil: The dynamics of a professional relationship

[Location: A mechanic's garage. Tisher is fixing an engine as his apprentice, Leotard, looks on]

Tisher: Leotard, hand me that crescent wrench.

Leotard: Okay. [Looks through tools, finds crescent wrench, gives it to Tisher] Here you go.

Tisher: That's a plastic spoon.

Leotard: Whoops.

Curtain.

***

Fire!: A life and death situation

[Location: Riffy's apartment. Bird is making a bagel in the toaster and the toaster catches fire. The fire is spreading quickly.]

Bird: Oh my God! Riffy! The apartment is on fire! Call 911!

Riffy: Shit! [Picks up the phone and dials] Hello, 911? This--

Man on other end of phone: Sir, how may I connect your call?

Riffy: Huh? I-- ohhh! I always do that! Hahaha, isn't that so funny? I meant to dial 911 and I dialed-- [burns alive]

Bird: [burns alive]

Curtain.

***

Be on the lookout for more "Sex I want to have sex with". Haven't done that in a while.

White Guilt

2009-02-19T09:09:00.012-06:00

Hollywood is really trying to like black people
by David Trickery
Uhaul News Service

It's Oscar season again, and the temperature of the races is starting to climb due to an increase in heat generated from the closeness of the races. In other words, the races are heating up with heat. In even more words, the races are close and hot to see who will win the Oscar-prize™.

This year, however, things are a bit different than normal. And by "different", I mean "black people". And by "normal", I mean "white people are normal". The 2009 Oscars feature two nominated black actors-- Taraji P. Henson for "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" and Viola Davis for "Barbershop 6: Nerdy White Customer". [Ed. note: "Doubt" is the name of the film starring Viola Davis]

This is a rare event. In the 80 year history of the Oscars, only 11 colored Negroes have ever won, six this decade. (Five if you don't count Halle Barry as black, which, hey, it's anyone's guess.) Does this mark a new day in the history of American film awards? It's hard to say. One thing is for sure, though: White Hollywood is trying really hard to like black people, perhaps against their better judgment.

Ted Dickinstaff, Vice President of Fun Movies Entertainment, put it this way: "Look, I'm 71 years old. You think I have any black friends?" (It turns out that he does not, in fact, even know a single black person.)

And Bill Flavorcunt, a high-ranking Academy member, had this to say: "Black actors, or 'blacktors' as I call them, aren't really actors. All they want to do is smoke marijuana and jump around and shoot guns and wear loose clothing. Where is the Philip Seymour Hoffman of blacktors? Iced Cube? I'm doubting that. I'm doubting that. I-- no."

So what to make of Will Smith, the highest paid actor in Hollywood? Is he merely an anomaly, or is he the first of what could be a future of black actors just as celebrated as their White counterparts? (Forget Latinos, they have no chance, ever.)

"Will Smith? Is he even black?" questioned White McOldWhiteRacist, head of a major studio. "I thought he was really tan. No? Who do I fire?"

"Sure, Will Smith is black, but white people are not afraid of him," remarked Roger Slipchurch, director of Poll-y Wood, a polling center based in Los Angeles. "In order to be a successful black actor, you cannot be scary to White America. Will Smith, Lil Bow Wow, uh... is Halle Berry black? No one is scared of these folks. Terence Howard. I think he's gay. Cuba Gooding, Jr. People like that are not going to come into your home and rape everyone. Every other black person probably will. And soon.

"Our polling data suggests that there are several black actors out there that White America can identify with. Well... they at least aren't afraid of getting attacked after dark by them."

Poll-y Wood polled hundreds of Americans, asking them to name their favorite black actor. The results:

Will Smith -- 71%
Denzel Washington -- 15%
The guy in "Predator" who gets his arms shot off -- 9%
Benecio Del Toro -- 4%
Tommy Lee Jones -- 1%

This philosophy brings up lots of questions, however. There is no doubt that blacks have seen an increase in popularity in Hollywood this decade. Oscar wins for Denzel Washington, Forest Whitaker, and several more nominations including this years' have made some think that the Academy is finally becoming more accepting of blacks in the film world-- and not just in "black movies" like "Weed Smoke 2", "Weed Smoke 3", and "Weed Smoke: The Movie".

"Well, we are certainly trying," said an anonymous member of the Academy. "Viola Davis' performance in 'Doubt'... I mean... I have no idea what she was saying because I can't understand those people, but-- well... she's black so..."

On Oscar night, if Ms. Henson or Ms. Davis can win, it would do wonders for the black community in Hollywood-- a group, even now, met with relative prejudice.

"Are you still recording? Black people are TERRIFYING!" said pretty much everyone we interviewed at one point or another.

Human (Face) Interest Story

2009-02-16T18:01:00.003-06:00

Face transplant patient regains self-confidence
by David Trickery
CNN.com

CHICAGO, Ill-- The woman who received the first ever near-total face transplant in the U.S. told her doctor that she has regained her self-confidence, according to Dr. Maria Siemionow, head of plastic surgery research at the Cleveland Clinic.

Doctors, in essence, stapled a dead person's face to a woman that had no face.

Why the sudden surge in self-esteem?

"Uh, well, I used to, uh, not have a face at all, so..." Those poignant words came out of the (finally!) working mouth of the patient, who asked to remain anonymous even though we know her name is Ann P. Stevens. Ann P. Stevens. (The P stands for Percy.)

Ms. Stevens lost her face (weird, right?) in an accident in which she lost the entirety of her own face. She lost her nose, mouth... well, she lost her whole face really. And if you don't have a face in today's society, good luck doing anything.

"I couldn't really do anything," Ms. Stevens lamented. "Forget getting a date. I couldn't even order a coffee!"

Indeed. Or even smell anything (like coffee) because she lost all of her face. You might be asking yourself, Wait, but she only lost like some skin and stuff right?

NOPE. SORRY. WHOLE FACE.

The procedure lasted 22 grueling hours, and CNN was there to capture some of the intense moments as they happened.

[During surgery]

Dr. Siemionow: [8:21 AM] I know we aren't supposed to say this... but this is fucking gross you guys. Whoops, give her some anesthesia. She probably heard me say that.
Ms. Stevens: I did.

-----

Dr. Daniels: [9:13 AM] We should give her the face of a bear or something. Or a Laser-Eye™. That'd be pretty rad.

-----

Dr. Kylak: [3:49 PM] Hahaha, I just realized she has no face!
Dr. Siemionow: I know, right?

-----

With a brand new face slapped on, the anonymous patient has so many goals to fulfill.

"I'm hoping the face doesn't fall off like when I'm in the shower or something. It feels a little bit loose."

Ms. Stevens also has three children she's been raising on her own. Her son, Paul, was thrilled to see his mom looking so good after surgery.

"Well, I mean, she had no face. No face! It's not like I could bring a girl over or something. Like, we're on the couch and my mom comes in all, 'Hey, kids, want something to drink?' And like this no-faced thing scares everyone half to death... Good luck ever getting laid.

"Seriously, imagine that you're making out with a girl in a dark room and this person walks over to you and turns on the light... and it has no face! Just... nothing. Mashed skin. So fucking gross and scary."

It's a long road to recovery, with speed bumps along the way. Ms. Stevens knows this. She knows nothing comes easy when you get a new face after losing your entire face.

"Look. I lost my entire face and lived. That actually happened. And I still look pretty bizarre and dead. Yikes."

Touching.

I Want All These Action Figures

2009-02-13T12:12:00.002-06:00

Failed X-Men characters:

Senator Always-Sleeps
The Cookie Chef
Hungry Goat
Dad
The Broom
Uncle Barry
Carbonated Soda Boy
Tax Expert
Pigeon
The Human Basketball Trophy
Egg Shell
Brittle Gary
Mouse Shit
Mortimer St. James
The Facecloth
Ted "Prescription Glasses" Moolhardy
Sparkler!
The Helium Balloon
Walter Matthau
Asthma Master
Gay Bruce
Peter DeMinico, Supervisor
HummusMan
Diet Meatball Sub: The Guy
Professor Safety Gloves

Happy Holidays

2009-02-13T08:05:00.009-06:00

Presidents' Day is Monday, and a lot of people overlook this incredibly important and Zzzzz....

Wha, what?-- Oh, whoops, I fell asleep for a month. I am sorry.

But, yes, Presidents of the United States of America Day: The Holiday. Here is a look back at some of the best presidents in the history of America's history. In history. Ever.

>Karl Malone: (President from 1995-2001) Playing power forward for the Utah Jazz is no easy feat-- especially when you're the leader of America also at the same time as that! Perhaps best known as "The President Who Also Played for the Utah Jazz", Karl Malone was president while also playing basketball for the Utah Jazz. Utah Jazz.

>Rick "Rick" Rickership: (President from 2001-2006) While installing three Olive Gardens in the White House, President Rickership was famous for saying "Free salad and breadsticks and never-ending soup bowls are the exact reasons why America is number one at everything ever. Um..."

>Gerj Wershingtern: (President from 1801-1811) Political rival to George Washington, who is generally regarded as the worst President in the fictional tale of America, Gerj was plagued by scandal throughout his years in office. For example, he spent five years trying to add the words "except black people" to the Declaration of Independence. And from May 1807-July 1807, the famous document actually said, "All men, except black people, are endowed with certain unalienable Rights..." And when Congress (against Gerj's wishes) voted to remove the phrase, Gerj settled for 60 additional years of slavery. Poignant to the very end, President Wershingtern's dying words were, "Hey, blacks are still slaves right? They are. Okay cool."

>Paula Abdul: (President from 1988-1994) Mr. Abdul spent his entire time in office trying to convince people that he was not Paula Abdul the pop-singer. He got nothing done and constantly looked furious at everyone. He died during an on-air interview with political pundit Ted Kunt.

Kunt: President Abdul. Are you Paula Abdul the singer?
President Abdul: Arrrrrghhhhhhhh!!!!! [Dies.]

Paula Abdul was succeeded by Vice President Karl Malone.

>Mortimer St. James: (President from 1891-1949) President St. James never left his hot-air balloon one time in 58 years. And that's saying something. Here are excerpts from some of his most famous speeches:

--"Some world leaders have criticized my top hat. I will not stand for that!"
--"Iowa? Where the fuck is that?"
--"Hold tight to your beliefs. Because when you let go of them they float away like my hot-air balloon!" [Unties rope anchor and floats away in hot-air balloon]

******

Hmm, I might do more of these later. Yay.

This Was Pretty Inevitable

2009-02-08T13:22:00.004-06:00

25 ToTaLlY rAnDoM Things About Yours Truly!!! (aka Ted Nancy Stickler!)

1. When I was in 8th grade I shit my pants 3 times a week. I still do that.
2. I have an iTunes playlist called "Pumping Iron with Weights at the Gym I Always Go To".
3. I used to be intimidated by my wife's dad until I caught him masturbating to photos of my wife-- now we're best friends!
4. Sometimes I hide my dad's heart medication. It's a race against time to see if he'll find it and live! He's dead.
5. I've always wished I could have kids. With Danny Glover the actor.
6. I am one baaaaaaaaaaaaad parallel parker!!!
7. Um, excuse me, they're called "jimmies", not "sprinkles".
8. My secret guilty pleasure favorite song is "Camptown Races". I sing it at the top of my lungs in the shower.
9. I piss on my face in the shower.
10. I've been able to ejaculate since I was 4.
11. I take baths with my dad when I feel like it. And I always feel like it.
12. I should be doing homework right now, but I have a headache. Those math equations can wait!
13. I once made a copy of my naked butt on the copy machine at work! I almost got fired.
14. My husband has post-traumatic stress disorder from when he was in the Air Force and all of his friends were killed by our nation's enemies.
15. My boyfriend and I love Chinese food; I eat the broccoli from his chicken with broccoli, and he eats the chicken from my General Tso's Chicken because I don't like chicken.
16. My girlfriend got her vagina stuck in the zipper of her pajamas last night.
17. I ended up getting fired from work for rape. Which is against the work rules.
18. I started a zoo in my bedroom. I don't have any animals yet but IT'S STILL A FUCKING ZOO.
19. I talk to myself on the toilet. Usually the conversation is something along the lines of "Poop. Pooooooooooop! Poooo-ooooop."
20. My friends call me "The White Larry Bird".
21. I loooooove the beach but I never get to go to the beach even though I live right next to the beach.
22. Sometimes I put on a condom just hanging around the house.
23. Tuna fish sandwiches? More like No, Thank You, I'm Fine, Thanks Sandwich That's Gross.
24. My favorite band is definitely Do Your Fucking Chores: The Dad Command. I have all of their albums (including Why the Fuck Haven't You Done Them Yet?????!!!!). Last week my mom took me to see them at the Cheetos Centre.
25. I always tell people, "If there's grass on the field, play ball." I always tell them that.

This list was a collaboration between me and Robin. Ha, we beat you to it, suggers. G'day.

2000s British Post-Punk Wars

2009-02-04T16:26:00.002-06:00

Uh, just so we're clear:

A Certain Trigger >> The Futureheads >> Silent Alarm >> Franz Ferdinand

Phew. Glad I got that off my chest.

Sex? Please. I Can't Even Get A Date.

2009-02-03T19:49:00.004-06:00

Some of you say to me, "Hey Ted, you're AMAZING at sex, but what about dating?" Well, fuck you for even asking me that question out loud. I'm great at it. But I'll admit, the dating game simply is not what it used to be. And by that, I mean it is no longer acceptable to leave a restaurant when your date is in the bathroom because you think she's fucking boring. I guess dating is one of those "you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" types of things. Except in this case, of course, the saying is, "You can catch more women if you don't leave the restaurant when she gets a call on her cell phone. She can still see what you're doing: The Saying."

Anyway, here are some dating tips for all you would-be Casanovas out there:

1. Get your act together, man! You need to look your best out there. The days of arriving at a date 45 minutes late, unshaven, are over. Instead, arrive 3 hours late, fat and drunk as you've ever been. Why? Because you forgot about the date but couldn't cancel. Tell her you forgot, that you were out getting drunk by yourself to celebrate the fact that you predicted exactly how many degrees it would be outside at 2pm. Women appreciate honesty.

2. It's time for some new clothes. Nothing screams "successful man" like a brand new green tank top and cut off jean shorts, no matter the season. Show up for enough dates dressed in exactly that, and she'll be waking up next to you in the same green tank top in no time. There's gonna be jizz on it, too. Plus, nobody likes a guy with "tucked-in" "shirts" and "slacks".

3. Confidence is overrated. Some people will tell you that confidence is king in the dating world. Shows how much they know. Women absolutely melt over a guy who arrives at the restaurant and within four minutes is crying hysterically about his parents and pounding on the table in furious anger. You might even throw some water or food in your own face for effect. The point is, make a huge scene. This shows a high level of sensitivity, and your girl will like the attention you're getting from everyone around you. Hot. Hot and sexy to be around.

4. Mix up your dates. You shouldn't always go the movies or dinner. Instead, take her to the mall. She might even buy you something if you look really sad when passing your favorite stores.

5. Never stop talking. If you never let her speak, she can't make herself sound like a fucking moron. Which is inevitable if she opens her mouth. If she starts saying anything, just talk really loud over her. Shout in her face if you have to. This is one of those secret things most men don't know, along the lines of "women like jerks". They just love it when you talk over them and never let them say anything about themselves.

6. Some women won't let you have sex with them after the first date. That's bullshit. Here are some lines you can use to get them to let you inside:

--"Let me inside of this house."
--"Oh, COME ON."
--"Yeah, but... stop being a bitch."
--"Ok, that's fine, just don't expect me to ever call you again."
--"I'm pretty much demanding sex out of you right now after the money I spent."

These usually work really well.

7. Learn how to grind. Grinding is a sophisticated type of dance that mimics sexual intercourse. While everyone else is dancing like a faggot, creep up behind your date and wrap your arms around her hips. Then drive your pelvis into her ass a bunch of times in a row, until the song is over. You might try whispering dirty phrases into her ear such as "Do you feel this grind? We're gonna be so naked later on."

Well, I hope those help. Dates can be tough. Keep these tips in mind though, and your girl will be eating out of the palm of your hand like a starving goat animal.

Thanks, A.O.

2009-02-02T12:45:00.000-06:00

This wins whatever prize I'm giving out today.

Terrific Game Contests

2009-02-02T10:55:00.007-06:00

Having a super bowl game
by Mortimer St. James

If you were among the lucky ones to catch the super bowl game (I believe it was only showing in London), then a bow and tip of the top hat to you, cheers!

In a contest that featured more touchdown scores than any professional game in history, I kept buttoning my tweed suit vest wrong! Can you imagine that? I can barely imagine it. I do not want to think about it.

The game featured the Steel Men of Pittsville against the North Mexican Yellow Beaks. Pittsville had the best football tosser in the land, Ned Rothinburger, and everyone knew he would never give up! Indeed, he has never given up yet.

On the other side, North Mexico also owned a terrific football tosser, Kate Warners, the oldest man ever to play sports. Throw after throw, he threw the ball to men who caught it or didn't. I sat sitting on the edge of my seat.

In quarter one, Pittsville appeared to be in control of everything. I know this because of my strong grasp of everything to do with football. Rothinburger, in a stunning display of new-age strategy, kept gathering his team together after every play to discuss a new play in secret! North Mexico was left scratching the top of their hard hats with masks. How would they stop Pittsville? They wouldn't as it turned out. (But sometimes they did.)

After a lengthy nap in which I missed most of the first half, I awoke to witness a large Negro man running the length of the field, very angry, with the football ball in his hands! North Mexico, in a lovely gesture of sportsmanship, let him score the football touchdown without trying to push him down. What a show of class. Then the large Negro collapsed in the touchdown zone, dead. It was only the 9th time in super bowl game history that someone died.

Suddenly the game stopped for a long time, and an old man with a string guitar came out on a big stage, singing about running. I think he was talking about the football runners. I think he was there to tell everyone what happened during the first half in song form. He looked stupid. I hated him. I wonder who he was. He was probably the game referee. Yes, that's it. Of course.

When play resumed, many more touchdown scores were scored with the football. Everyone was angry then not angry. So many goals were scored, I wondered why the teams didn't put their goaltenders back in-- the touchdown zone is so big! And it is wide. For instance, one sprightly fellow, Larny Fitzcracker, repeatedly found the touchdown zone for points. How did Pittsville allow this? If it were me, I would have politely tripped him with my walking cane, bowed, and said, "Sorry, Mr. Fitzcracker, but you won't be crossing into the touchdown zone on this private occasion!"

In the end, Pittsville won the super bowl game when their football tosser tossed the football into the waiting hands of a man jumping through the air to collect the tossed football. I threw my popped corn into the sky and yelled something about the play being a "magnificent cunt". The contest's score had tripled, making it 147 to 5.1. I then immediately started walking to the kitchen to pour myself a double apricot brandy tallboy when I tripped and smashed my head on the corner of a coffee table, breaking my monocle and putting a dent in my face the size of one of Theodore Nickle-Wort's badminton trophies!

When I came to, the super's bowl was over, never to played again. Flurm.

******

Wow.

Who Cares.

2009-01-27T12:17:00.006-06:00

Everybody on the planet of Earth knows that when you want sex tips, you read Uhaul. It's just one of those basic facts of life, like "slaves can't vote" and "women can't read".

Many people have said to me, "Hey Todd, I like your sex tips, but what about even more sex tips? What are the great ones? Tell me them. Are you ever going to tell me about those." Yes, I will. I will do that.

10 New Sex Ideas To Steam Up Your Sex Life While Having Sex During Your Life

1. The Murder
"Murder" your lover with your "knife" in her "vagina".

2. The Amish
"Churn" all of the "butter" you can manage.

3. The Arts & Crafts
"Weave" a "basket".

4. The Secret Code
"Fuck" your "wife".

5. The Dad Command
"Do" your "fucking chores".

6. The Sunday Drive
"Crash" the "custard truck" into the "lake".

7. The Ball Game
"Throw" "your ball" "for a touchdown".

8. The Ball Game II
"Hit" a "home run" with "your cock".

9. The Interrogator
"Rough up" the "suspect" during the "interview". Sex.

10. The Nature Walk
"Enjoy a walk" on the "jism rope bridge".

********

I have no idea why I did that, or even what they might mean. Oh well.

Are You Sure You Want To Delete?

2009-01-27T08:48:00.004-06:00

Last night, late, I was very close to deleting this blog. I've been close a few times, but last night I literally had the arrow cursor hovering over "delete this blog". Some tiny, lonely part of my brain must have pushed its way through the crowd in the rest of my head and whispered something like, "You should at least save it to a hard drive or you'll regret it..." Anyway, it's still here for the time being.

I'm writing about this because Uhaul has been such a strange companion over the course of the last few years. It very much seems like an entity I have little control over-- it shrinks and grows however it pleases. Of course, whatever I put into this blog is what I get out of it (literally), but it all comes from that concept called "inspiration", which is a really mysterious and fickle thing. At times, I cannot think of anything worthwhile to write. On the other hand, there have been solid stretches of time where it seems like I have too many ideas, that there aren't enough hours in the day to write.

Last night's near deletion wasn't because I felt uninspired. Hardly. I just started to wonder about this point of all this. Where's my niche? Music and gross sex essays? Funny lists? Your parents wouldn't be able to read this. I feel weird that my sister has read things here. I'm pretty sure I'd be fired from my job if they knew I was the owner of this shit. I mean, this blog is like a long, never-ending existential crisis. And I'm actually serious about that.

So, with that said, here's a list of nicknames Mafiosi have for one another:

Ralphie "I'm Right Fuckin' Ova Here" Esposito, a.k.a Ralphie "Hey, I'm Right the Fuck Ova Here" Esposito

Just kidding, I'm not doing that.

Irv Gotti Almost Pulled This Bullshit Off

2009-01-26T10:56:00.003-06:00

I stole this from Sean Fennessey, but I can't believe this was actually real for two seconds:

Imagine that?

Juicy Fruiter, American Blogging Hero

2009-01-25T12:57:00.004-06:00

This is the last time I'll do this for a while, I promise, but you have to see this one comment, from January 8, 2006 (which is just a photograph of some friends of mine):

markbrinick0772 said...

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http://www.juicyfruiter.blogspot.com

10:02 AM

******

Weird comment, yeah. Plus his "blogger" name is his actual name with numbers after it. Idiot. But seriously, go to this guy's blog. It's called "Juicy Fruiter" after the gum. Reading through it, I almost think he's some comedic genius, like a Tim and Eric type, doing this super ironic-blog-because-it's-completely-asinine-and-dull thing. Then again, I doubt it. His most recent post, from January 24, 2008 (with certain emphasis on words mine), reads,

All Is Well

I haven't posted to this blog in about a year. For those of you who care (the one person out there!), I am doing well.

I am very happily married, she didn't run away and my cold feet didn't get the best of me. I am still loving juicy fruit, and keep a pack on me at all times.

As to my wife, we've been married nearly 11 months, time really does fly. She talks every day about kids, kids, and more kids. Scary.

Yeah, I really am getting old!

******

Amazing. This shit makes me laugh so hard. Okay, okay, one more because this guy is amazing:

Monday, February 13, 2006

I am back!

I don't know why or how, but someone has been maliciously posting my blog with adult content. There is no adult stuff anywhere on my blog, never will be, never has been. I have absolutely no idea why anyone would do this, maybe they don't like juicy fruit? I sure hope this isn't the case.

Anyhow, I am back!

******

This is some of the best shit I have ever read. And I love how he exclaims that he's back (!) at the end, only to not post again until November, nine months later. Incredible.

His entire blog is worth reading, and it's really short. Oh Mark Brinick, you're so funny to me.

Fun With Comments

2009-01-25T12:14:00.003-06:00

Hey, Behjat. You wanted to leave a comment on my blog, right? Okay, that's fine. What did you want to say?

Behjat said...

KDE present at SQIL
I will make a general presentation of KDE for the public that will attend the events of SQIL .
Find out how to buy and sell anything, like things related to road construction safety equipment on interest free credit and pay back whatever you want! Exchange FREE ads on any topic, like road construction safety equipment!

4:36 AM

******

Also, here's something I found funny while perusing the comments of really old posts:

From Wednesday, March 29, 2006, comments on a short story I wrote about partying with people with money:

dwainprice83583737 said...

Do you want free porn? Contact my AIM SN 'abunnyinpink' just say 'give me some pics now!'.

No age verification required, totally free! Just send an instant message to AIM screen name "abunnyinpink".

Any message you send is fine!

AIM abuse can be reported here.

2:17 AM

Trickery said...

Any message is fine? What about, "Hey, I just like you as a friend, don't get the wrong idea, see you at Glen's party."?

6:15 PM

******

Ha, that was funny of me.

Anger, Sadness, Grudge Holding

2009-01-24T17:17:00.004-06:00

Who remembers the Walton Elementary School 4th grade spelling bee? I SURE AS FUCK DO.

In grade four, everyone, town wide, participated in a spelling bee at their respective elementary schools. Every school in town-- Walton, Dolbeare, Greenwood, etc-- held two rounds (one being a practice), and the winner joined the other winners from the other schools in an auditorium somewhere where all the losers and everyone's parents could look on.

At Walton, I won the practice round, correctly spelling "doughnut". Awesome, right? The other remaining kid spelled it d-o-n-u-t. Fucking idiot.

I was pleased. I was and I am a great speller. So, then came the "real" round, the round that would send one of us to spell against other kids from town. Dr. Shoreman, my teacher, was a fat man with a salt and pepper beard and glasses. He was tough, but fair. We all liked him. I was about to fucking hate him.

After a few rounds, with the words becoming more and more difficult to spell, kids started dropping out. "Barbecue" knocked out quite a few, I believe. In the finals, it was me, again, and Andrew Townsend, a smart but sniveling young boy who I wasn't particularly fond of. I wanted to beat him.

Dr. Shoreman: Ok, David, Andrew. The word is "September". David, you go first.

David: [elated because he knows how to spell the word; he's going to the finals!] September. s-e-p-t-e-m-b-e-r. September.

Dr. Shoreman: [giving nothing away] And Andrew?

Andrew: September. S-e-p-t-e-m-b-e-r. September.

Dr. Shoreman: Correct, Andrew. David, you did not say "capital S" when you spelled the proper noun, September.

David: You're a fucking dead man, Shoreman.

Of course, I didn't say that. I probably almost cried of embarrassment. I was a pretty sore loser in those days. And you know what? Everything would have been totally fine if Andrew had even a semi-respectable showing in the finals of the bee.

On the day of the bee, some weeks later, all the winners from all the schools were lined up on stage, facing the eager crowd. This would be fun! Everyone was smiling! Who would be the one to spell all the words correctly! Would "vagina" be a word? Interestingly, Andrew Townsend, the little fucker who had taken all my glory (why couldn't "doughnut" have put me in the finals?!), was picked first to spell. Hmm.

The host (or whatever he was) asked Andrew to step forward.

Host: Andrew, your word is "dumb".

Andrew: [confident] Dumb. D-u-m-p. Dump. Wait...

Host: I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

And just like that, he was eliminated. Un-cunting-believable. I'll never forgive him. Or Shoreman.

Oh, by the way: the word that won the whole thing was "lieutenant". My good friend Garrett Lahey spelled that shit. In 4th grade! Rad.

Not that I still care or anything...

Sex Songs Pt. 6

2009-01-20T16:35:00.003-06:00

I just wrote a post about wakes, so here's a palette cleanser-- Sex Songs Pt. 6! So, without further adieu...

Welcome to part 6 of an infinite part series in which I choose two or more songs that I would like to have sex with this week. See parts 1 through 5 for details and more songs.

This week I would like to have sex with the following songs:

"Goddamn the Light" by The Thermals. (From More Parts Per Million) This track is fuzzed out before it was cool to be fuzzed out but certainly not the first band to make fuzzed out songs. And that very concept makes me want to spot this song from across the room at a show, sprint over to it, and fuck it on the floor in front of everyone there, including my entire family.

&

"Euphoria" by Zomby. (From Where Were U in '92?) Sure, I was only 8 years old in 1992, but this song's woozy atmosphere and seductive background voices make me want to build a time machine and go back in time to tell my 8 year old self to just get to fucking already. Sirens!

&

"Vein" by Cannibal Ox. (From The Cold Vein) Have you ever wanted to get raped in outer space? Well, here's your chance. (Turn this shit up.)

Shit yo, I'm all sweaty.

Another Quick Thing While I Come Up With Something Better To Write

2009-01-19T19:01:00.004-06:00

This Saturday I'm going to Providence to make an appointment to get another tattoo. Below is the cover of the novel Flan by Stephen Tunney, an artist from New York who wrote just the one novel in 1992. I love the book and I think the main character, Flan, and his talking fish, Ginger Kang Kang, are gonna make a great tattoo. (Picture it located on the inner bicep of my left arm.) Yay, art.

Watch This While I Come Up With Something To Write

2009-01-19T18:57:00.003-06:00

Just got back from NJ/NY, and while I figure out what the fuck I'm doing with this blog, here's a rad live performance of Women doing their thing @ CMJ 2008. Cheers. (Sorry I can't make it fit properly. The quality is good, anyway.)

Sex Songs Pt. 5

2009-01-13T12:56:00.002-06:00

Welcome to part 5 of an infinite part series in which I choose two or more songs that I would like to have sex with this week. See parts 1 through 4 for details and more songs.

This week I would like to have sex with the following songs:

"Ohio" by Chin Chin. (From Go With You There EP) This song's slow build and vocoder effect make me want to quit my job, sell all my possessions, and have sex with this song all day under the bridge where we now live. (Sorry, I can't find an mp3 of this song, but the EP is free at the Def Jux website.)

&

"We Are Your Friends", Justice vs. Simian. (remix, single) This song is about having friends. And if you have friends, you might as well have sex with them. (Here's a video, because I couldn't link you to the first song. And I love you.)

&

"Downtown" by Osborne. (From Osborne) The piano line makes me feel like I'm having sex with every female character from the "Streets of Rage" series on Sega Genesis when I listen to this song naked in my room by myself.

Hot Darn, I'm finished with the sex.

Short Plays Vol. IV

2009-01-12T13:05:00.008-06:00

International Waters: A study in group dynamics

Act I:

[Location: The ocean. Squid the Squid is chumming about with some other squid. Heehaw the Dolphin approaches.]

Squid the Squid: ...So yeah man, she let me squirt my ink all over her face and chest and... Fuck, here comes that douche Heehaw.

[a dolphin swims past without a word]

Squid the Squid: Nevermind. I thought that was someone else. Anyway...

Curtain.

Act II:

[Location: The ocean, later that day. Squid the Squid is still talking to a group of squid about his sexual exploits.]

Squid the Squid: I swear to God, I had every single tentacle in her sea vagina. It was... dammit, here comes Heehaw.

Heehaw the Dolphin: [excitedly] Hey guys!!!! How ARE you??! Listen, my mom has invited all of us to a picnic at Majestic Reef. It's gonna be so much fun! She made sea pizza and sea lemonade and bought sea ice cream seawiches! How about it!

Squid the Squid: Look man, we don't really want to hang out with you. No offense. You're kind of a faggot. Besides... [sprays Heehaw in the face with ink while his squid buddies shit all over the place with laughter] now you're all dirty. You can't go to a picnic like that. Go away.

Heehaw the Dolphin: [dejected] Oh. Okay. That's okay. I'll just... [rips off his dolphin mask to reveal that he's really 12 great white sharks] EAT THE FUCK OUT OF ALL OF YOU. [eats Squid the Squid and all his jerk friends and swims away to enjoy a picnic with his mom]

Exeunt. Curtain.

******

Basketball Shot: A 'don't judge a book by its cover' tale

[Location: The local YMCA basketball court. A group of men, including Bif and Clud, are playing pick-up basketball. In walks Mortimer St. James wearing a top hat and a monocle and a tweed three-piece suit. He is twirling a cane made of ivory and speaks in a classy British accent.]

Bif: [running down the court] Pass me the FUCKING basketball! [receives the pass and dunks the ball]

Mortimer St. James: [slowly clapping from the doorway] Top! Splendid basketball slam dunk shot, sir!

[the game stops while the players look Mortimer St. James over]

Clud: Yeah, uh, we're trying to play here, man. Uh, who are you? And why are you dressed like that?

Mortimer St. James: [takes off his top hat and bows] Mortimer St. James, at your service. I've come dressed in my finest sporting clothes, looking for a game of score the basketball!

Clud: Well... can you play?

Mortimer St. James: Can I play? [scoffs heartily] Why, I was player of the calendar year in Stratford, where I led the Stratford Round Basketballs to a league title! Allow me to show you!

Bif: [tosses Mortimer the ball]

Mortimer St. James: And away we go! [takes one dribble, trips over the ball, and smashes his face on the court. He lies there unconscious and maybe dead.]

Clud: Let's steal his wallet.

Curtain.

Some Bands I Like

2009-01-10T11:40:00.003-06:00

"Hey Robin, I'm bored, lets make up band names together."

"Okay Trickery."

Cheddar and the Fuzz Pilots
Humpty Dumpty is an Idiot
Bump Humpty Back to Cracksville
Giraffe Cock
Fiddle Party
Regularapple Express
Paula Abdul Wedding Shower
This Lemonade Tastes Like Shit
Diet Meatball Sandwich: the Band
Lesser Olympic Swimmers
Little League Coach Boner Collage
Skidmarks All Day
Throw Grandma Down the Lighthouse Spiral Stairs
Butter Calzone
Children: Your Band
Pleasure to Meet Your Dad
Basketball Shot
Welcome to the Superbowl
Do Your Fucking Chores: the Dad Command
Let There Be Male Pattern Baldness
Bad News Doctor Visit: the Laugh Explosion
The Cancer Train
Now You Have Children
Shower with Your Family
Good for a Lahhf
Touchdown Horse
Subscription to People Magazine
Last Night's Gay Sex Accident
Don't Forget to Shut the Fuck Up
Oh God! You're My Wife!
Sweatpants
You Went to Yale, I Took Four Years of Karate
I Won the Contest
Stop Fucking That
Uncle Nancy
I'm Gonna Go Eat Something, Seriously, This is Over Now Robin: the Band